This is certainly a touchy one for me, as well. In my case, I was very much in love with my wife. I did and would do anything for her. But there were numerous things in our marriage that contributed stress– mostly, a difference in our religious beliefs. I believed the family was more of an autonomous unit with husband and wife being key and central. She came from the world where things were abdicated to the church pastor and/or her father. As a result, whenever there was an “issue” it was discussed with one of a couple of outside individuals and not with one another.

Over time, discovery or openness about this added an incredible amount of stress and subsequent distrust in our marriage. This in turn was exacerbated when she began talking to and confiding in her “friends”. Basically, everyone was soon in the know, except me. And when it would come to my attention, there was little to do. It’s amazing how things get soooo twisted when they filter through the rumormill.

Anyway, I did not stay out of comfort. I remained out of devotion, duty, commitment and even love. Then one day, enough was enough. I just got so tired after 14 years of it. I remembered watching my parents’ marriage deteriorate over 30 years. Each passing year got worse and worse and even violent. I will never forget the day my mother cut my father’s fingers off. Or how with each weekend we’d be terrorized till 3 or 4 in the morning. I simply hated life as a child and as a teen. There was no way I could subject our son to such a life.

I don’t know what leads to others’ predicaments. And I, by no means, believe in throwing in the towel early. But I have seen abusive relationships come in many forms. A lack of trust and confidence always seems to be central.

I feel as if I’m rambling now.

And I can certainly remember your ordeal and how conflicted you were. It can be suffocating, and that’s how you appeared to me– suffocated. How do you all of a sudden make it as a single mother? There were so many things going through your head back then. You weren’t eating. You only got 2 hours of sleep if you were lucky. You didn’t have gas money to pick up LP from school. You had no heat. And the list goes on.

Sadly, I don’t believe the answer is to simply maintain independence in a marriage. That contributes towards the lack of trust problem. Or it can. I believe the answer is 100%/100%. And if it gets to the point where it seems divorce is inevitable, each party acts like responsible adults and strive to make an easy transition for each other’s sake and for the sake of the children. It doesn’t have to be a war.

Just saying…

I love you, Hon!!!

In my situation, I have stayed for many reasons. One was fear of the unknown. I haven’t been on my own in 10 years, I’ve never been a single parent, I don’t know if I can do these things now. But I will find out. And I have stayed because I loved him and thought we could find our way back to a happy place. But we’ve tried and we just can’t. We aren’t the people we thought we were when we got married and we just don’t make each other happy. I’m terrified of what life will be like for my kids, especially my autistic child, without an intact family. All I can do is hope that it will be better than an intact family where the parents resent each other all the time.

I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and hope the kids enjoy their time with their Dad. It will be hard for you, but you’ll get through it. They’ll miss you, but it will be good for all of you. Even the ex. {HUG}

your post struck a chord. so many reasons. gave me something to think about.
(((sigh)))

btw, I MISS you!!! hope you have a great thanksgiving! :)

I had yesterday my 15th anniversary. All what I can say is that we are not together for the children or for security.

It is still love.

But you have to do something for it. Sex is not enough. There must be more. The best is you share the same things you are interested in.

And sex? It is in your hand to keep HIM horny, even after years. When we meet each other he ask me many questions. The first 50 questions was nothing about sex. But the last 3 questions “Could you please never smoke, never wear undies and always be shaved?”

So if this is the grease, I thought, why not? I never smoked, I had no undies in the last 16 years and I am always shaved.

He carries me every day on his hands, —- like he promised.

Cheers!

Like I have to mention my story to you, lol! But, alas, I know it is ME and my ‘grass is always greener on the other side’ fantasy when in reality the grass is always greener where you water it. It’s my own challenge of myself. NO MAN is better for me, this I know. I KNOW. And I’m not willing to give up the greatest man for something I know I will regret. I’m not afraid to be by myself or the hassle it will take to be by myself – I’m fiercely independent. And being alone is no big deal to me. I’ve always had this notion that a woman in love is ‘love sick’ and does stupid things, lol. Loses herself, lets him do shady things etc etc etc. I’m trying to admit that I can be a strong woman AND love someone. And most importantly, show it. Gah! Why did I have to grow up with all boys???!!!

I knew I was in an unhappy marriage. What made me stay after the first 6 years was my son. I tried harder, and was happy for a while (or was I just dealing with it differently). She was a control freak. Anyway, staying worked… for a while.

We had another son. I think something inside her snapped. She became an extremely selfish and self-centered bitch. What control I had gained back over the years she wanted back.

I didn’t leave this time either. I went into a depression. Part of me was embarrassed to be with my friends when sh was around, so I became very closed off to them. I tried to keep things together, but then she had an affair. I even tried to work through that. When she decided she couldn’t break off all contact with him I had finally had enough and threw her out. It was the best thing I could have done for myself.

It was scary to be in the world of the single again, but it became easier. Now I’ve finally see who I am again; I’ve had the best sex of my entire life (so far); And I have the freedom to make the decisions about my future.

Great post and question

Hmmm… I am one of those who didn’t stay too long after it became bad… and it is so, but so hard… Contrary to what you wrote, I was sure being strong and independent enough to survive on my own and be “ME” whatever this could be…
The reality was another story… I found myself so disturbed, so lost… I was hooking to anyone who was paying me a little attention… really, it was hell… as much as before…
But, it didn’t last… luckily… After maybe 5 years or so, I found myself back…
It is a difficult decision to leave, and I do understand it now… I didn’t before doing it myself…

wow, Vixy, you went LOOKING for trouble with this post! LOL.
My first marriage i left pretty damn quickly in retrospect tho at the time it seemed to take forever…maybe 18 months total and a coupleof move out/move back ins.
This time, i’ve stayed and stayed and stayed. I def don’t fear being alone, in fact i CRAVE it…but the GUILT i felt for YEARS after leaving my first husband…and constantly questioning myself (despite having thought it thru, despite his being a drunk)…and then Husband # 2 seemed like such a good deal! I was lucky that he wanted me! He had a college degree! He walks upright! But i tried so many times even before we had a son to leave him and he just WOULDN’T LET GO.
I stay now because i fear being broke, because i fucking hate poverty and i hate not being able to be physically available to my son because i’m at work, etc…But! I’m always on the VERGE of leaving. Signed another lease today altho a trip thru my archives will show ya…it’s about the fifth apt. i’ve nearly taken. Let’s all watch & see if I really go this time.

To put it quite simply….I am “still here” because of an over-developed sense of obligation and responsibility. Neither of us is a “bad” person….neither of us drinks or is verbally/mentally/physically abusive. I’ve known for several years I don’t want to be here, but every time I get my mind made up to leave another mini-crisis occurs and I end up staying to “fix it”. I know, I’m ignoring some of my own best advice to others in the past….

Definitely fear of failure, being seen as such a failure by my wife that I am discardable, failing my parents, and siblings who have been so supportive, so encouraging. Failure in the eyes of our mutual friends, ie, most of our friends.
Most of all a failure in the eyes of my daughter, who is so pure and sweet and earnest she hardly knows the meaning of failure yet.