Friends don’t let friends have affairs -CQW
posted by: Vixen
(click the button for more info, email me if you have any great ideas for a topic, I’d love tho hear from you!)
Here is the question for this Wednesday……
This was a difficult one for me. Having actually *been* on the other side- where my husband (not PC, lol, my ex) did/was cheating on me AND friends knew…. My first inclination is to say- YES. It’s a shitty feeling to discover (and finally have proof- bc in my heart and head I knew but couldn’t ever prove it and he acted as if I were crazy for suggesting it and turned it around on ME, that I must be cheating- when I wasn’t) that not only your husband was cheating on you the entire 17years you were together. But that friends, EVERYONE you pretty much knew and were close to mutually over the years, were aware of it. And not a one of them ever said a thing. I was hurt and really annoyed, and probably angry too. But whatever. Let bygones be bygones. I’ve gotten over it.
But. Playing the devil’s advocate. What if you are wrong? Is it your business? Are you risking your friendship with the spouse or the friend???
I don’t know the right answer. But I definitely wish one of my friends would have said something. Bc as I said, I knew it, but never had *proof*. If even one person had come forth and said they knew, it might have changed a lot for me. Who knows.
***Disclaimer…having been severely burnt by rumors, as has PC, I do think it’s *very* important to make sure the information you are sharing with someone else is TRUE. And not rumored or what you ‘think’ may be going on. Rumors can be devastating. I’d like to think that the person(s) who contributed to the nastiness numerous years back, weren’t thinking clearly when they caused the devastating damage they did….
What do you think?
Happy HUMP Day!!!
![[Nicola+Ranaldi.+Noctambulario.+Mar+zo+2009.+poema+de+Luis+García+Montero.jpg]](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_te28LRXtT2o/San8YeotfjI/AAAAAAAACJA/Qq3mWfwfuIk/s1600/Nicola%2BRanaldi.%2BNoctambulario.%2BMar%2Bzo%2B2009.%2Bpoema%2Bde%2BLuis%2BGarc%C3%ADa%2BMontero.jpg)
~xo
Dana
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March 4th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Hmmmm … difficult one …
I think, if a person is a good friend, they have an obligation and a duty to the friendship and must be honest about what they know. I also think that once the information is shared, the person receiving the information has an obligation and duty to keep the source confidential.
It’s a sticky wicket …
PCMarch 4th, 2009 at 6:27 am
It is a tough one, because there is such a phenomena as self fulfilling prophecy, which I think happened with us. We literally were thrown together by asshole-friends who “knew” stuff was happening between us.
Sad how some people do make things their business. Consider how we still have trolls, three years later, who feel the need to monitor us and report on our activities.
As much as I find their behavior upsetting, I suppose I am grateful for the end result. Honestly, I never would have met you had it not been for their accusations and attacks.
Professor FateMarch 4th, 2009 at 9:47 am
If you do not know (like catching them in the act know), you cannot say anything to the spouse. You can’t say much to the would be cheater. A would-be cheater has decided the benefits of the affair outweigh the costs.
Chances are you do not the reason for the infidelity. Maybe permission has been given by the spouse. Maybe the relationship is over and they just aren’t sharing. Maybe maybe maybe.
I think it is your job as a friend to be ready with support and ice cream or a shoulder to cry on, when it gets ugly.
edens_dragonMarch 4th, 2009 at 9:48 am
If I knew a friend was going to get involved and it was going to get ugly then I would confront THEM about it. Even if I was friends with the spouse I don’t think I would want to get involved in their relationship. Knowing it was going to get ugly is the key for me though. Generally I think people can make their own choices…but I hate to see people get hurt.
Chef TrollMarch 4th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Tough one. I don’t think I’d continue to be friends with the person doing the cheating though.
I was IN this situation once except I wasn’t a friend of the spouse doing the cheating too. Barely knew her. I let someone else be the first to TELL the friend. But I confirmed it when ASKED.
New Troll Poll!
VixenMarch 4th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Dana- I think you are right. Confidentiality is important.
And gah, totally right….a very sticky wicket!
VixenMarch 4th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
PC- true. Makes for a difficult question to answer…..
VixenMarch 4th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Prof Fate- Very valid, good points. Thanks for your perspective.
VixenMarch 4th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Chef Troll- really? Bc you don’t like or agree with someone else’s (a *friends*) decisions, you would ditch the friendship?
Interesting take.
Stiletto ReflectionsMarch 5th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
See, I *knew* from all the stuff you would say about him/what he did/how he treated you etc & how he acted when we were all together, but I didn’t have specific proof to present to you. Just bc he told me what he did on your wedding night wouldn’t have been ‘proof enough’, you know??
It sucked.