This one is easy. Don’t do it! Nothing to see here, move on and find the one who’s a match…

You know, this isn’t as clear cut as it appears … especially as couples get older. In my 20’s I’d have postponed the marriage, but now in my mid/late 40’s – and experiencing this first hand – you are forced to look at it a bit differently. Is it really the sex, or the INTIMACY that is missing? And as we age, there are physical changes that make traditional sex … well … challenging. It’s still EXTREMELY frustrating, but a little more understandable.

I agree with Dana that it’s not so clear cut. First of all, if there is that level of uncertainty and anxiety, I wouldn’t proceed with marriage. I’d try to find a way to reduce or eliminate the issue first. It’s a great thing to have a grip on before hand.

Most people will feel that there must be a bigger issue for a guy not to want that much sex. My take is perhaps there’s something missing that he needs. I don’t know. Each person/couple is different.

I know you have a very high sex drive, much higher than mine is normally. But somehow we’ve managed to find a way to deal with it and to even increase mine. But this required a good bit of work to find a balance. But these things need to be worked out. They’re not unimportant.

I agree with Dana too. On both scores. It’s not an easy question and more pedigree info on the couple, (especially age) would be very helpful.

The physical side of age, as Dana points out, is a factor. There’s also the fact that most of us have far more responsibilities and stressors in terms of family, career etc…

It’s pretty easy to be “in the moment” and totally available sexually when your biggest concern is making an A in Calculus. Not that easy when you’re responsible for Elderly Parents, Wacky Teens, Million-Dollar Deals etc…

Secretariat- They are in their late twenties. Both of them are out of school and hold day time jobs. They are living together presently.

Hoodie- I think a ‘better’ match would be important. But I just wonder if he might work harder at it if he knew HOW much this was bothering her, to what point.

Dana- from what I can gather, they are not lacking intimacy. But she desires *more sex*. And I know you and I have discussed this in previous posts. I do think intimacy is *very* important. But I know *I* really crave sex. And for me, no amount of intimacy is going to replace the primal sex. And it seems she is feeling the same way.

But I totally agree, this is *not* clear cut.

Thank you for you input! :)

PC- exactly. :)

I think they would be better off postponing any nuptials until that issue is settled assuming that they’re planning on a monogamous marriage. The bottom line is that there is no price that can be put on one’s own happiness. So to make a choice that carries the weight of marriage when a major component is causing unhappiness is counterproductive and the frustration from it will build until something breaks.

Sadie’s Hubby :)

I think you hit the nail on the head. Regardless of what the ‘issue’ is, if there is an issue bothering her enough to even question postponing the wedding- it needs to be fixed or dealt with.

Thanks for your input!

If your donkey ain’t plowing the back forty, it’s time to mend fences or build bridges or construct new paradigms.

Heh. Well, okay, then. :)

This is a question that continually cycles in my mind (seriously…every day on a loop). There are things infinitely more important than sex, but when sex is an issue, it can seem very, very important.

I approach it through the lens: “If I had to do it all over again, would I?”

And I would.

Because I could not imagine loving someone more than I do him. There was never a question in my mind that he was the right partner for me–for it takes a heck of a lot more than sex to make a partner.

Perhaps that thinking is unfair to both of us, though. I never questioned marriage, either. I just assumed that the low-sex issue would be something I could live with. I could, I’m quite sure (never underestimate the stubbornness of a determined gal), but I don’t.

And though I would say that I’m quite happy in my marriage, I’ve obviously made concessions that are (based on one’s frame) reprehensible to supplement the sex side.

Because it’s important to me–that physical act–but it is not so important that it threatens my marriage. That is to say, sex does not symbolize that connection for me–it is merely a physical act that *can* strengthen a bond, but doesn’t have to. There are other ways in which my husband and I connect (and I consider myself lucky to have such an affectionate, intimate man).

She might want to bring up the issue of a non-monogamous lifestyle with him. If he respects her sexuality, he should be open to accommodation. This is a discussion that carries too much risk once one is already entangled.

There are a lot of variables that she and they need to figure out.

Is it the sex or is it the intimacy? (we have already answered that one). In my experience when the sex goes the intimacy follows.

How important is sex to her? A marriage is a hard thing without taking a potentially HUGE problem into it. With the mismatched drives he will call her a “nympho” eventually.

What Sadie’s Hubby said. And PC.

When we (humans) fall in lust or love and start a relationship our brains get flooded with neurotransmitters. These chemicals can last between 18 months and 4 years. When we are under their influence we may not be ourselves. We are more accepting and accommodating. Early in we are dopamine (desire and reward) and serotonin (obsession) junkies. When the first two begin to wane oxytocin (responsible for bonding and it is also released after both male and female orgasms) and vasopressin (present in monogamous mammals and have been call the ‘Fidelity gene’).

If they are having troubles while they are still under the influence of these powerful behavior changing chemicals, I don’t think it bodes well for their future. The need to solve this issues before they proceed.

Ms. I just said what I was going to say… bring up the idea of non-monogamy. Hubby and I did just that before we were even engaged (I see Hubby has already weighed in here!) and although an Open Marriage was not something that we embarked upon immediately (it was 10 years before we did) the concept had been discussed fully before we were “entangled” and so when it did become a reality, it wasn’t an idea totally out of the blue.

The fact of the matter is that many (if not most) couples have mismatched libidos, it’s just a matter of finding ways to make it work, so that both are satisfied, whatever form that takes.

xo~Sadie

I have been on this subject lately. And obviously, like everyone else think that the couple in this instance need to work it out prior to marriage. Whether it be to postpone, council or whatever, these issues should be worked out prior to..

But, lets say the vows have already been made and its ten years down the line. You don’t just walk out on 10 years because your unsatisfied, or do you? Even if you’ve talked about non-monogamy (and one is unwilling to even listen), and endless other possibilities until your blue in the face..

This question provokes so many others ..

Either way.. don’t ever say those vows if there are ANY issues to work out, marriage in itself creates them without having them going in..

Get counseling. Fix it now. Because for me, it’s in the top 5 things that make me happy. And if she’s complaining now, she’s not happy!

The only thing I have to offer in addition to what everyone else has said is that if the result of the discussion is that he will ramp up the sex, I’d be wary. It might work out in the short term, but if it’s not coming from within, he’ll slip back to his old patterns, and there may be resentment on both sides.

I agree that this definately needs to be resolved before getting married. But I alo see Buscuit’s point. Simply pushing him to have more sex may be only a short term resolution and lead to negetive feelings in the long run. Maybe a solution could be finding something hot and new to make him crave sex the way she does. I’m not at all saying that she isn’t doing a good job at seducing her fiance, but sometimes new and different is needed to bring back the excitement and thirst.

Biscuit- you know. I have also thought of this. It’s easy for him to feel threatened. Ramp it up, as you said. And then things slowly die down again.

Good point.

Felicia- that is true too. Thanks. :)

Ms.I- hope you didn’t feel called out on this. I really do appreciate you giving your input and insight on this.

Prof Fate- What you said here…

If they are having troubles while they are still under the influence of these powerful behavior changing chemicals, I don’t think it bodes well for their future. The need to solve this issues before they proceed.

I think that is a very good point.

Angel- I think you said it all with your last statement

Either way.. don’t ever say those vows if there are ANY issues to work out, marriage in itself creates them without having them going in..

Since we have already determined that she wants more of the physical aspect of the act as opposed to the emotional connection, we need to look at *why* there sex life has deterioated. Do they work too much? Aer they having problems connection on a non-intimate level? Is the impending wedding causing too much stress? Were they maybe somewhat *pushed* into the engadgement(family, friends, ect.)?

It’s only after knowing all aspects of the situation that we can try and solve the issue.

Like others before me have said, communication is key here.

Maybe instead of calling the wedding off they take seperate vacations and spend some “me time” reflection on the situation before discussing it again.

No problem. If anything comes out of my experiences, it’s the small hope that they can help someone else: whether it’s preventing a mistake, or reassuring them that it’s not a mistake, or even making someone feel a little less alone. :)

People generally don’t talk much about males with low libidos, and when they do, there’s the assumption that there’s something “wrong” with them (have you gotten their hormone levels checked?, etc.). Women with low libidos do not tend to attract a second glance–it’s considered a “norm”.

We all come in a variety of libidos–none are more right or more wrong. It’s just how we’re made. Finding compatible partners is made more difficult by the societal assumption that men will always–always–want more sex than women. It’s a dangerous train of thought to buy into.

I agree with you Vixen; this needs to be resolved before the “I do” are exchanged. My view is that if one partner thinks there is a problem….then there is a problem!! He needs to at least recognize and validate her concerns. To me it is always a red flag when one partner dismisses the concerns of another. I do agree with Dana as well…..it is not clear cut. How much sex are they having? I am thinking if they are already having sex 4 times a week and she wants sex every day or several times a day, then….well, damn girl count your blessings and be quiet!!! LOL!!!

Why get married?? why is that always the “goal”?
There are other lifestyle choices today no?