SingleOne

Everybody has things that are hidden, things that they do not want out in the open. And when you find out those things, if the person is important to you, you swallow your anger and remember that those things are part of what helped make the person standing in front of you.

I hope that they can work it out. But if not, it is best to break things off now, rather than after the wedding.

SO

  hubman

I can’t imagine the prejudice this man harbors that her stripper past is reason enough to consider calling off the wedding. Or is it more that there was a secret, never mind *what* the secret was? In either case, I think he’ over-reacting, big time.

  Another Suburban Mom

I can see him being upset as their is still a stigma against stripping (which is wrong)its not information you want to be blindsided with.

I do not think you have to disclose everything, but something that could come up and be a less than pleasant surprise should be mentioned.

  Dana

Hmmmm …

I’m wondering if her withholding of information was intentional, or just something she felt was irrelevant to the relationship.

Sometimes the motivation behind the “little white lie” is far more telling than the “lie” itself.

Is he overreacting? Maybe, although if this is a pattern of behavior on her part it could be a red flag.

  Professor Fate

No coherent thought, just a series of bullets:

How did it just come out? If her friends knew then she should have known it wouldn’t remain a secret. If not, I am not sure how it just came up. It may have been her way of telling him (which is a different CQW).

Maybe his reaction is to the historical fact. Maybe that is why she didn’t tell him. It may have nothing to do with it being kept from him.

What I think is an important tidbit about someones past may not be considered by the person to be an important tidbit. She might not be hiding anything she just doesn’t understand why I think it is relevant.

She may have had bad experiences bad reactions to the fact in past relationships. Asking her to do her act. If it is something she wants to let go, I can see her withholding this information.

He may be overreacting. What other “secrets” does she have? But she is still the same person that you fell in love with. If he thinks that he doesn’t know her may be that is a sign that he is rushing into the marriage. How long have they known each other? How long have they dated?

Most of the strippers I have known socially have been neat women. Yes, many of them have some emotional baggage that lead them to the profession. Some have dependency issues. Two were college graduates. More than two were using stripping money instead of student loans.

The former stripper that my friend has married is wise for her 22 years. She is a good mother but just as naive about many of the worldly things as other 22 year olds.

  angel

Like you, I can not imagine hiding anything especially something as big as being a stripper, from one I was about to marry.

The one you marry is supposed to be your life partner, someone who knows everything..

Now, as a former stripper, I can understand not wanting to own up to it because of the stigma that is attached.. however, personally, I have never been ashamed of what I once did.. it made me who I am today and I am not ashamed of that.. but, it is different for all of us.

So, while this is something that should have been disclosed, I believe that he is overreacting if he calls off the wedding. We all make mistakes and if you truly love someone, you can forgive.

  vixen kitten

I can’t help but think it’s what she did, and not the fact that she didn’t mention it that has his panties all wadded up. I mean, if she failed to mention that she once worked at McDonalds would he still be calling off the wedding?

This is how I feel. If I like you…like the person you are, than I accept your history. The good and the bad. It all made you the amazing person you are today.

xoxo
~vk~

  Chef Troll

Tough call on the first question. I’d want details on that slice-of-her-life. Did she work at a relatively clean “Gentlemen’s Club” for 4 weeks at 19? Was she completely immersed in the sleaze, drugs, prostituion etc… that’s associated with the more Sopranosish type of club for years? On the second one, yes she should have told him whether she’s “ashamed” now or not.

  blueballs

There are numerous factors that may come into play.

While it mostly the fact she withheld something matters more than what she withheld. But only by a little.
But Jobs hold stigmas good or bad.

Maybe they live a life now that stripping doesn’t fall into both of their moral norms now. If she “confessed” to him, he may have had an easier time accepting. But if this is the case it maybe a vegan couple having one spouse withhold that one was a chef in a steak house.

There may be trust issues, it may be he once got a handy in the VIP lounge from a dancer and is now pondering if she ever did that or “worst”.

But I think trust is the foundations of a good relationship and they don’t seem to have.
She didn’t trust him to tell him. And so her reacted in this manner…which shows he doesn’t trust her.

  Westcoast Weirdo

I don’t think she should have tried to hide it, but I don’t think he needs to call the wedding off either – unless he’s some super religious fanatic, where as, she should have known better hooking up with him in the first place.

  PC

I’m not big fan of secrets, except the one I’m keeping from my wife. But I think the guy’s acting like a girl. Give me a break. Do I have to list everything I did as a child too?

  Vixen

PC- yes. Yes you do. So spill. No. Before I change my mind.

;)

  Vixen

SingleOne- Great point you brought up. That is exactly how I feel as well on this matter. :)

  Vixen

Dana- good point about ‘motivation behind a little white lie sometimes being more important than the lie itself’. I’m not sure what her motivations were.

  Vixen

Prof Fate- Here is more that I am aware of but didn’t mention, that might help some of your questions.

She grew up across the country but moved to my state many years ago, where she attended college and now holds a professional job. As does her fiancee.

They went back to her home town to visit her family. While out at a bar one night someone (she didn’t recognize them) began talking to her and her fiancee. Bringing up that he knew her from “XYZ” and she was his favorite dancer. It was completely inadvertent that the fiancee found out. I don’t believe she had any intention of him discovering this tidbit about her. It was a stranger, that approached her.

You brought up great points.

  Vixen

Angel- from an insider’s point of view (so to speak) I appreciate your thoughts on this. And I agree. He *should* be able to forgive and forget.

  Vixen

Chef Troll- unfortunately I don’t know the specifics of the club she worked at. But those are valid points you bring up.

  Vixen

BlueBalls- I think you are right. They are lacking key foundation principles in their relationship.

And if there is no trust in a relationship it can immed begin breaking down.

  Cody

She should have told him at some point in their relationship!
He is not being a baby/girlie about it.
THAT is a very embarrassing and AWKWARD situation!
How would you feel in that situation, being out with your loved one and have a stranger come up and say… HEY, I remember you! You were my favorite dancer, you used to give me the greatest lap dances and I loved having your naked body rubbing all over me in the darkness of the back room! I know for one… I WOULD HAVE KNOCKED THAT FUCKER OUT! THEN she would have a good walk home!
Now IF at some point she told me that she was once a dancer in her home town… I would be prepared for that POSSIBILITY! IF that happened and I knew it… I WOULD HAVE KNOCKED THAT FUCKER OUT! Would I be the knight in shining armor or just a jealous person? Either way it would have been MY fault! NOT HER LYING/HIDING SOMETHING! THEN she could make it up to me later!

There are issues in that relationship!
She does not trust him for whatever reason, but there is problems!

  Vixen

Cody- ….well. While I agree there are clearly issues in their relationship. I’m not sure starting shit with the guy who was once a client/customer of hers would have been the best way to handle it.

  PC

I don’t know… I think I’d be like “Damn, Hon! I’ve got some dollar bills.”

  Cody

I can also agree with not starting shit, I just read/interpretted that as a drunk guy being rude.
IF that was not the case… then not an aggressive confrontation just the protective boyfirend/husband excusing him from the area.
I can make that happen with words very successfully.
Ask SW, she’ll tell you I am wonderful and masterful at taking care of/protecting my ladies!

  PC

Cody: I definitely believe in being protective. Vixen knows how protective I can be of my wife and children. So your reaction is definitely understandable.

Having said that, my earliest experience on date with Vixen resulted in guys buying her drinks– right in front of me. My first reaction was to think not to kindly of the guys. Were they morons? But then I thought about it again. I decided to view it as flattery. Plus, it was fewer drinks I had to buy. And, I was the one who left with the girl.

  Cody

PC, I COMPLETELY agree with the buying her drinks!
Less $ I spend, I am the one who reaps the benefits of a little tipsy! Hey IF they are stupid enough to spend $ who am I to deny them the opportunity to part with their $!? Just as long as they KNOW that is what it is! Start getting out of line… PROTECTIVE HUSBAND SOLDIER mode kicks in! That is also true for my friends if they feel threatened as well.

  PC

I’m with you on the protective mode. Just wired that way. I’ve had to work really hard to not see everyone as a potential threat. Re-training can be tough. You still in or are you out? I got out of the Navy in ’92.

  Cody

Yup still here and right now in Iraq. 3 more years til I can retire!

  TUG

Totally ignoring the question and going straight to the picutre. If it weren’t for the belly ring I’d swear I know the girl in that picture!!!