I make it so easy for my wife to have an affair. I don’t look at her phone nor do I look at her emails. I just let trust be the thing that guides me.

But to your question… If I found out that she was having an affair, I would keep that conversation between us. There’s no need to drag the other party into it.

In fact, there is one occasion I know of where a girlfriend was seeing someone else on the side. I never once tried to contact the guy. I didn’t even blame him for his role in her decision to cheat on me. She was absolutely wonderful in bed. Good for him. :)

13messages- actually. I think that is what counts for most. If you live your life guarded against the ‘what ifs’….. Well. It’s better to do what you are doing- let trust be the thing that guides you.

Trust is VERY important in any relationship and once it’s lost everything seems to crumble around it.

Thanks for you input. :)

I don’t think I would contact the other person. If my husband had an affair then he needed something I couldn’t or wouldn’t give him. All I ask of him is that if he does have an affair that he doesn’t speak about my fantasies with the other person.
He did once have a minor affair with his ex-wife, can it be called an affair or was it a relapse, and she delighted in telling me. She saved everything they had shared and sent it all to me. Luckily I knew enough then to shut her out and let it go. We fixed the things that were wonky and have moved on.

I received an email a few months ago from the soon-to-be-ex-wife of my current partner.

We had not had an affair; we had been friends for 22 years — only friends. But he left his wife (for reasons other than me), and we quickly acted upon some long-standing, suppressed feelings for each other.

He was out of the house, having told her he wanted a divorce before we began a romantic (long-distance, even) relationship.

She discovered this after much online snooping, and she sent me an email, one paragraph, criticizing me for not waiting until the “dust settled” and moving in on her man right away. She also chastised me for getting involved with a still-married man while I was still-married, as well. (I left my husband before the new romantic relationship began.)

I didn’t intend to dignify such immaturity with a response, but it ate at me and I ultimately gave in and sent her a response that basically said: “Funny, imagine *you* admonishing another woman for having the audacity to get involved with a married man. If that isn’t the pot calling the kettle a god-damned mother fucker.”

See, she had been the “other woman” 10 years prior — the first wife’s best friend. And they carried on an illicit affair for almost 3 years before he left his (first) wife.

Personally, if it was a stranger my partner was screwing around with (behind my back — we have an open relationship), I would not make contact. If it was a friend, I would have to address the situation because it involved more than just my relationship with my husband/partner.

You are in a relationship with your partner, not the other person. You need to take it up with your partner because it’s your relationship and should be handled from within.

I’ve not been accused by another woman directly, but I’ve been a female friend of guys with jealous partners. That didn’t end well- they ended up ditching me (all we had ever been was friends!) just to make the partner feel better. Don’t punish me for your insecurity!

Like the commenter you published, I’ve been in this situation – on both sides – at other times in my life (20’s). There seemed to be a competitive thing there – the fighting over/for the man at all costs. The “I’m going to tell her he’s MINE to make her feel like the slimy bitch she is” thing. *shrugs*

Years have brought some wisdom. It is about trust and I cannot imagine living a life where one had to check up on their significant other all of the time.

I wouldn’t have done it. And I especially wouldn’t have snooped. It’s not that I wouldn’t be hurt if I found out something was going on. I would be. But trying to make hurt even more isn’t the answer. I hope I am meeting your needs so that wouldn’t seem necessary to you. But you never really know what prompts someone to do something. All I ask is if you feel the need to do something, that you try not to hurt me.

I would only confront her if she was my friend bc…wtf? But otherwise, no. She has nothing to do with my marriage (or the lack of it if he went out to cheat). Obviously, there was shit going on before she popped into his life.

I haven’t had to go through this. I would like to think I would only contact the person if I knew them….

It would be hard NOT to call and say – do you know he is married w/ kids. But, really it isn’t most likely her fault – she probably didn’t know.

I have slept with a married man (when I was single) and I figured it was their issue not mine… so looking back at my mentality then what good would it do for me to call now? except to make myself look like an ass.. like someone who “deserved” to be cheated on

Hopefully I will never know!

There are some things that you just don’t know until you’re in it. You find out a lot about yourself when you’re caught in an incredibly painful situation. You behave in ways you never thought you could, and I mean that both positively and negatively.

Roxy- Yeah…. I agree. It it were a friend it would be necc to confront/bring it up with that person.

Dharma- you bring up a good point….

If it was a friend, I would have to address the situation because it involved more than just my relationship with my husband/partner.

I fully agree.

Biscuit- I agree. And how you hope you would act and how you actually do when emotions run high might be quite different.

But that is also why I am a huge fan of trying not to act immediately, bc I almost always would do so rashly and not in a way I would like.

NY Diva- that’s a bummer friendships were lost over something like that. I would be upset in that position. In my case it was my choice to end it bc of the drama. But that would be worse, for the friend to end it to make a girlfriend happy. *rolling eyes*

Pc- you aren’t a snoop and you aren’t someone that would include other people in our personal ‘drama’. :) I know and love these things about you.

I wouldn’t contact the other person either- that would be an issue between ASM and I. Who knows if ‘the other person’ would even know she’s married?

Interestingly, another blogger accused me of getting between him and his woman, who is also a blogger, a few weeks ago and demanded that I never contact her again. The odd thing is, they are something like 800 miles away and we’ve never met! [If I've really piqued your interest, e-mail me and I'll fill you in on some of the details...]

If you don’t trust your spouse or SO, even if they don’t deserved to be trusted, the relationship isn’t a very healthy relationship.

I didn’t confront they other person. I confronted my spouse. I might as well have confronted one of the Nigerian princes that want my help moving millions of dollars to my bank account for all the good it did me.

Cool post, Vixen, and a nice attitude. Good comments here as well.

You might want to take a look at Lilith of Evil Slutopia who also wrote recently about platonic friends of the opposite sex who’ve been expected to drift away from her when they get into new relationships.

Take care,

figleaf

Controlling behavior begets rebellion. True, too, that some people just cheat. But, blaming the other woman is unproductive. I have been the “other” woman and believe me, if a guy (or a woman for that matter) is hell bent on cheating, they will do so with whomever they can find who is willing. Since Hubby and I are in an Open Marriage, his version of cheating on me would mean he slept with someone and didn’t tell me. Confronting the other woman makes no sense. She couldn’t answer the many questions I would have. Only he could.

Btw, LOVE your new header!!!

xoxox~Sadie

Hi Sweetie,
I am lucky, we both trust each other and don’t feel a need to look at each others phones, emails, etc. We share every thing so there really isn’t a need. But if it were to ever happen, he would be to blame, he is the one who has made a commitment to me, so I would definitely be taking it up with him.

Interesting topic since I have been the wife in a marriage rife with infidelity. Some comments here made me cringe, but I agree with Biscuit. You never know how you will react. Hypothetically I would have said that I would have kicked a cheating husband out on the curb….in reality, I did not. I never contacted anyone of his ‘girlfriends’ until the last….and this woman was supposedly just a platonic friend. I did not think about calling her until phone was in my hand…oh and btw, her husband had called me sharing the great news…and her phone number. Not even sure now what I said to her….In all honestly those days are a cloud of confusion and chaos; I was running on rage and adrenaline. I had kept silent about the other affairs, but the last time I was PISSED and no longer had any desire to protect his reputation.

I was involved in an extramarital affair and the husband of the woman I was seeing felt compelled to contact my wife in the misguided spirit of “misery loves company”. I agree with you, Vixen; attempting to control the other person is superfluous. My marriage had already failed and my wife and I were on the verge of separating even before he called her. I believe you confront the spouse and, if the relationship is still important to both partners, she can break the contact

Well, although I have been in this situation as the wife, I still don’t know what I think about it.

I chose to not confront the wife, but to confront her husband. I honestly felt sorry for him because we were in the same situation.

I took so much shit from Z for going about it the way I did.

If I had to do it different, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I do know that if I had only talked to Z about it, I would have never known the true depth of the affair he had and how much he honestly loved her.

On one hand, I’m glad that I confronted the husband which in turn, made the other woman talk to me. On the other, I wish I had just had the balls to just leave him then and this last year would have never happened. My kids would not have seen him get violent and well, a lot of things.

Okay, so my fingers just spewed and I really didn’t make a point. So, my point is, I would say it’s best to not bring the other woman into it. But then again, it could lead to lies and manipulating and you staying with someone who will only hurt you over and over again.

I would only contact the woman if she was someone who knew me and Hubman and of our relationship.

I never like going above or beyond the person involved in order to get to the route of the problem-I say go to the source.

Tonight I got her number and was going to e right now. My actions are call her, but I’m glad I first went on the internet googled and stumbled on your site. he’s been meeting up with. I agree with most posts though, esp biscuit because I would never have considered myself a snoop but communication between us have broeken down badly and I wanted to see if what i was suspecting was real or if I had gone crazy. Well, my actions are controlling I agree and its not working :) confessions. I felt so anxious though buto thanks t mo you all, I’ll act more maturely with all these emotions to all your feedback, I’ll step back and de