the ex that i had the longest relationship with (next to elias, of course) was very controlling and liked to minimalize me as a person and as a woman. he did NOT like my friends — or rather, the fact that i had people in my life who i loved and who loved me made a jealous boy even pettier.

although he lived an hour away from where i’m from (where i lived for the first year we were together) and two hours away from where i went to school (where i lived the second year), he still managed to control the friendships i had. i’m not the type of person who lies to her significant other about anything insignificant (though i’ve managed to keep quite a few affairs under wraps for several months somehow) and so when a pattern became apparent between my hanging out with friends and him being set off, i basically cut my losses to make life easier on myself.

in the last year of high school, to make a long story short, i became homeless and my mother and i relied on other people’s generosity in order to stay off the streets and out of shelters. at one point i was living with my best friend and his family — so although my ex was still adamant about his hatred for said best friend, he pretty much had to suck it up, as he lived too far for me to move in with him and still graduate. my friend kissed me on the cheek on prom night and told me to have a good time and my ex was “nauseous” all night and even threw up on the boat (which wasn’t moving) if i recall.

the whole situation was really ridiculous and it took me a long time to figure out that i didn’t have to put myself through that. elias will NEVER *tell* me who i can and can’t be friends with, hang out with, love, etc. because he actually respects me as a human being. and though there have been times where i’ve made clear my strong disapproval of certain characters in his and exes’ lives — regardless of whether they were “bad” people or if i simply didn’t like them –, i’ve never tried to exert any control over another person like that because, as misanthropic as i may sometimes be, i respect my loved ones. very much like you.

anyway, this is way too long already. :P very interesting topic this week, vixen. =)

Well, I’ve pretty much been isolated from all of my friends, and making new friends has been strongly discouraged.

That being said, I cannot imagine “demanding” this from my SO. I don’t think friends need to be mutual – in fact, I think it’s quite healthy to have some friends that aren’t mutual.

BUT I’m much more insecure than he is, and sometimes some things he does bother me, at some level. Not because I think he’s doing something bad, being dishonest or anything, but because sometimes I wish he wanted to hang out with me instead, that sort of thing. You know. Yes, it’s insecurity, and yes, it sucks, but there it is. Sometimes I just want to be reassured, and sometimes I just want my feelings to matter so much to him that he’ll want to comfort me more than anything else… But he’s so convinced that I want to stop him from doing whatever he wants, and doing whatever he wants is what’s most important to him, it seems.

I’ve never wanted to stop him from doing anything on account of my insecurity but it still is a problem because I can’t talk to him about it. Like it or not, the feelings ARE there and on this side, it feels pretty crappy. But if I slip, make a comment, whatever, he takes it as me saying not to do that thing. But I think saying I dislike it, and telling him not to do it, are two different things. Because my intention is to get my feelings out and maybe talk about them, resolve them, I don’t know. Never happens though. Maybe I just have a way of making the wrong comment at the wrong time :(

All that being said, I have never and would never stop him from talking to anyone. I’ve had my jealous periods with him but I think with time, I’ve pretty much gotten over it.

i love this post. i was shaking my head and having a rush of thoughts as i read it. my ex bf was very insecure in many ways. i had never been with someone who was all jealous, so i didn’t really understand it. because i loved him and my children did also, i tried to please and began letting friendships drift away. there was NO WAY i could talk to a male friend and have him be ok with it. ever. i’m so glad to be back to myself bc there’s no way that’s a good thing. friendship is very important and think the important ones should be nurtured. there are circumstances where we as half of the S/O may dislike someone, i agree that it’s just not fair to try to control their choices. you make me think girlie. i just loves you. :)

Other than the aforementioned ex/friend I haven’t had too much trouble. My guy friends generally date wicked cool women who “get” that we’re only friends. And I’ve had minimal problems with my own SOs being jealous or uncomfortable with my male friendships, but I explain that I’ve known most if these friends forever and if you ask me to choose between you and them, well then I choose them. Besides, most of them drop the jealousy after they’ve met my friends. :-)