The Levi Store

Yes, i certainly have some thoughts on the subject!

1. He should offer her a Rolex, that would mean she would be reallly incentivised, and he could add a few more kilos to the target.
2. She should play the same game and set him some targets as to his short comings!

  Sam

It’s a no win situation for Jack or any husband/boyfriend.

It sounds like Jack really is trying to help, but our culture has totally screwed many women’s sense of self body image. Most men are far less choosey and have a different idea of what makes a woman attractive than we have been taught to expect.

Yes, we like sexy, athletic bodies. But we like curves, too. What’s more important is having a partner who feels/acts like she is sexy and attractive. That’s a big turn on.

But the minute we try and help a woman feel sexy about herself by addressing some real or perceived physical short coming (read: any discussion of exercising/eating better), we usually get branded with some stamp of evil. A dash of incentive or bribe can make it seem all the worse.

Not trying to have sour grapes here, but Jack, best of intentions and all, is likely headed for a night on the couch.

Thankfully for me, Diana doesn’t typically have these types of body issues, but I’m sure I’ve danced this line a little too closely at times myself.

Good luck Jack.

  Elle

I agree with you, Vixen, and with Sam. It’s totally too sensitive an issue for most women for Jack to play with it that way, yet it’s probably irresistible to him, being a man and wanting to offer solutions and all. My Boy’s like that whenever I talk about anything *serious* or that sounds like a problem to him. He’ll offer solutions. The ongoing joke here is that when he does, I tell him “I wasn’t looking for solutions!”

Perhaps if Jane was told to re-think the whole situation, but with different players? She can’t be objective about it when it’s about HER body. Because when you think about it objectively, and you know that men are solution finders… It doesn’t seem so offensive. I agree though that the anniversary gift should be a separate item. The way I see it, Jack just wants her to be happy but he doesn’t know how to help. Hell, when it comes to body image issues, there’s probably NO way to help without getting her angry.

  Alfie

Who said husbands can ever win?

  Chef Troll

Well, since she’s “very miffed”, it’s not going to work and he should drop the idea promptly. And it was probably both unwise and insensitive to tie his proposed solution into their anniversary 6 months down-the-road.

My guess would be the whole idea came up when SHE initiated a conversation about losing weight. And she was sort of depressed about it and describing losing the weight as drudgery.

If so, he might have proposed that SHE pick a short-term rewards/bribe program as a way to make losing the weight more fun.

Giving yourself SMALL treats every month or so as you meet small targets seems to work for a lot of people trying to: lose weight, stop smoking, exercise more, etc.. etc.. etc…

  frenchies

Poor Jack didn’t stand a chance. No matter what he tries to do to assist Jane he will appear the bad guy if he ties to offer unwanted help for her weight goals. I would suggest that Jane analyze what things are keeping her from losing the weight and create a list. Then this list would be presented to Jack as ways he can help her (if she WANTS his help).

If her list contained things like lack of time, or motivation, or too many treats in the house, Jack could then respond to and “fix” these problems by picking up extra house work so she has some more free time, or hiring a personal trainer/coach for Jane, he could change/alter the family eating habits by removing the excessive treats.

But even then Jacks actions would have to be announced as HELP and not for any other reason. Because it’s my personal experience that body image is only able to be changed by the owner anyone else that works towards the goal is teetering on a very sharp edge.

  PC

Vixen’s right about guys wanting to fix things. Perhaps that is our great fault. But it’s also a rational response to a perceived problem. What isn’t rational is complaining and not doing something about it.

I hate to sound unsympathetic, but he needs to not offer gifts as incentive unless she approaches him with the idea. And she needs to stop it. The whole loss of libido thing is a runaway freight train. The longer she goes on withholding sex, the worse she’s going to feel about herself. She needs to remain open to stuff while she tries to work her ass off (no pun intended). It’s hard ass work to change our bodies. I work my ass off to try to stay in shape as a 40+ man. And I don’t usually like where I am, but it’s relative. I like where I am vs where I was. I like how I am vs the bulk of America. I’m okay with this type of relativity and it compels me to try harder.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got on the subject.

  Michelle

Being sensitive about my weight I can understand her side of it. I would be incredibly insulted and be pretty pissed off. But since I’m on the outside looking in, I can see his point – and I can see where he was just trying to help her feel better about herself. It’s a lose lose situation really.

  Big Kahuna

Guys wanting to always “fix things” is accurate and is our tendency. We just have to hold back on that when our wife’s/SO are involved. Babushka and I know this upfront and she will let me know when to take my ‘husband’ hat off – she just wants me to listen, not solve or fix. I appreciate her doing this for me.

Weight is tough, especially when a woman feels less attractive because of it. Unfortunately no one can make her feel better about herself; we can only remind her how beautiful she is in our eyes and in God’s eyes.

  Vixen

Sam- You brought up some great points regarding society tainting women’s views of how their bodies should look like AND about how men perceive them. Confidence is everything. I know so many women with insatiable sexual appetites, who don’t have ‘barbie’ bodies but they rock it and the men in their lives love them for it.

It’s good to hear a man’s perspective and for women to hear this. Thank you!

  Vixen

Elle- it’s a running joke around here too. A lot of times I will preface what I’m going to tell him with something along the lines of “I’m going to tell you something but I’m not looking for you to fix it”. LOL

  Vixen

Chef Troll- two good points you brought up

-asking HER to choose the incentive

-smaller rewards rather than ONE big one 6mo down the road

  Vixen

Frenchies-

…it’s my personal experience that body image is only able to be changed by the owner, anyone else that works towards the goal is teetering on a very sharp edge….

I totally agree. Also in that, Jack never stood a chance.

  Vixen

PC- well, you know how I feel about the action of withholding sex. Based off of ANY reason. A woman who chooses to not have sex with her partner based off of her body image or weight is going nowhere super fast….except maybe to destroy the relationship. Totally agree with you too that the longer she goes with out, the worse the situation becomes.

Kind of back to what Sam said, men usually aren’t *NEAR* as hung up on a woman’s body as the woman is herself. So she’s causing issues on her own accord. And IMO, sex usually makes you feel BETTER about yourself.

  Vixen

Big Kahuna- I do the same thing with PC, give him warning when I am only venting or telling him about something…not wanting advice or for it to be fixed. ;)

And you are totally right in your last statement. I think a spouse/SO can *help* make her feel better about herself, but can’t make it happen *FOR* her.

  Vixen

The Levi Store- thanks for your thoughts and for stopping by to add your input. :)

  Vixen

Alfie- they usually can’t. ;)

  Dana

I think this was nothing more than two people, with the same goal (Jane being happy, not Jane losing weight) who communicated in a way that would have worked for *them* rather than communicating in a way that worked for the *other* person.

No harm. No foul.

  sugarmag

I think they need to talk. His intentions were good even though he was utterly wrong. However, if he can explain it the way you did, then his wife will surely understadnt hat he loves her and was trying ot help and everyone will be happy. Communication!

  GA GIRL

I pretty much had the same situation with my husband. He offered to buy me a really nice camera that I’ve been wanting if I lost 35lbs by such and such date. I admit I have a hard time losing weight and he was just trying to help me out. Unfortunately he just pissed me off enough to go out and buy the damn camera myself.

  Me

I read this and thought, “Wow, have Vixen been spying on me??” ;) This past Thanksgiving I mentioned that my wedding ring no longer fit as well as it used to. And my husband replied that perhaps I should use that as motivation to lose more baby weight. I can’t even describe how much that hurt my feelings–I thought that I looked pretty good, blah blah blah.

I just don’t wear the damn thing anymore now, but that’s a whole other story.

  Me

*has Vixen*