Getting a little bit ‘friend(ly)’ ~CQW
posted by: Vixen
(click the button for more info, email me if you have any great ideas for a topic, I’d love tho hear from you!)
It’s interesting the dynamics of other families/couples/friends, etc. who do or don’t have children and how it effects friendships. It’s caused me to do some recent thinking.
Instance #1:
PC has a friend who invited us to hook up with him and his girlfriend Saturday night, extending the invitation Saturday afternoon. Well…..PC responds reminding him that we have the kids. Friend asks if we can get a sitter. At 2:00pm on a Saturday?! Gah. IDK, but we try. It’s possible we could get a sitter for a not so late night of dinner and a movie. But then find out they can’t even get together until near 8. Yeah, it’s a no go. Here is the difference bwtn us and Friend- while he is a parent and does have children, he shares custody of them and has them every other wkend. Ah… PC and I have the kiddos 24/7 365 days of the year with the exception of occasional sleep overs at a grandparent or cousin. We don’t have the ‘luxury’ (for lack of another word, lol) of weekends off. Please don’t misunderstand me. PC and I are able to get out as a couple quite enough to make us happy. But we do actually LIKE spending time as a family with our kids. Of course we enjoy our ‘adult’ time alone away but when you have kids you don’t always get to get away at a moments notice, these are the sacrifices you make, willingly and lovingly. But (god I hate to use this term….please nobody blast me on this) ‘part time’ parents sometimes ‘forget’ that not everyone has their same freedom. We would have *LOVED* to have gone out with friends, have an evening of adult conversation, see an ADULT movie (no, not in the XXX rated fashion, but you know an R rated one, that kiddos can’t see) but it didn’t work out. Maybe another weekend….. I had another friend who also didn’t have her child every other weekend and couldn’t grasp the fact that I couldn’t take off to do stuff with her every wkend she didn’t have her kid. Bc *I* still had mine, mine don’t ‘go away’.
Instance #2:
PC has another friend (who is married) who is a bit older than him and I. They have teenage children. Bc of this they have forgotten that not everyone can flee off at a moments notice to do stuff. They often call us late in an afternoon asking if we want to catch a movie (adult) or dinner with (just) them. Yeah….no. It’s been years since they had to think about babysitters. When you have teenage kids you CAN leave at a moment’s notice, do your own thing. But……when you have children under 10, not an option. This is forgotten by them. Often.
Instance #3:
I want to clarify that this is NOT an issue but more of an observance that I mention to make a point regarding friendship dynamics. My best friend and her husband don’t have children. And while I know she loves my children and enjoys spending time with them. When we get together, we want to do “ADULT” things. Which is why PC and I go out to visit them alone. It’s a chance for us to get away and have a good time as *adults*. They are fun, adult themed weekends. We ENJOY this time away. But if we weren’t willing to get together occasionally w/o our kids….I think the friendship would be strained. The thing is, while I’m a mom, I’m also a friend, a woman and a wife, I LIKE doing big-people stuff. It’s good for me as an adult and for us as a couple.
So my question here is, how do YOU as parents make it work. Whether you’re in an open relationship, swingers, having an affair, just “Jack and Jill” wanting to have a relationship outside of being parents.
What arrangements do you make for your kids?
How are you able to go out as often as you would like?
DO you go out as often as you would like?
Do you run into issues with a lack of understanding whether it be on your own or ‘friends’?
******
Happy HUMP Day!!!
~ xo
Vixen
Dana
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September 2nd, 2009 at 5:32 am
I have a bit of a different issue along the same lines – a husband who has his daughter every other weekend, but my own son that we have 24/7.
It impacts *my* friendships because I don’t ever get a break. Husband’s friendships? Not so much. He nurtures those when we don’t have his daughter with us.
I do see this as a pretty significant issue though, and you are right – it’s not just the “with” kids/”without” kids dynamics, but the ages of the kids as well.
RMGSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 6:36 am
This can be a tricky path, regardless of one’s situation. For us, I have a couple of children from a previous marriage that until recently, would alternate whole weeks with their Mother and I. Now, they are both away at school, much as when they were younger and away at camp, and we have far more time together. When they were not at college, Ally could still go out and play with her friends when they were with us. As they aged, it was a little tricky to explain why the “step mom” is coming in late smelling of alcohol and looking a bit tussled. :) But weekends were more difilcult and required (playtime) planning which is something that neither of us likes or is good at. So, now we are free to play as we like……
PCSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 7:38 am
I definitely love our time with the kids. You know how I feel about “renting” the kids out. But it would be nice to get together with friends, with the kids (ours and theirs). You know… families. This is the one thing that still bothers me a bit. I just don’t understand how things become that guarded when it includes more than the adults. It makes me wonder how the kids are expected to learn adult social interactions when they get older.
Anyway, I’m not so good with the last minute thing. As unorganized as I am, I can’t stand unplanned events. They drive me insane because I derive a lot of comfort in my routines. Whenever I make one concession, it tends to send all of my other schedules crashing.
And I definitely love when we are able to get away with our kid-less friends. Those are times when some pretty good incriminating evidence pops up on me. I like to think we have a pretty kick-ass time with them. But those events are planned. They’re not at the fucking last second. Argh!
And as for your other friend in item 1, that still worked because it was just the two of you. I was more than happy to watch the kids so you could get some girl play time. It wasn’t until it expanded to include the two of us that things didn’t work out.
To your friends and followers, please, by all means, seek to spend time with Vixen. I will gladly kid sit. I may even fly her to be with you, although you need to have something fun planned if you’re gonna replace me ;)
Anyway, I like my friends. Don’t get me wrong. My number 1 priority is to be a great husband to my wife. My number 2 priority is to be a great father to my kids. Everything else is significantly lower in priority. It’s just how I’m wired. I’m a family guy. I love my family.
Joker_SATXSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 am
I would be one of those part time parents. However, I have an opposite and unique issue. See, both my wife and I got our kids somewhat taken away from us. We got dictated as to how visitations happen. So, then when it is our weekend to have alone, adult time, you can always count on the Ex-holes to fuck it up. Then it becomes inconvenient for them in one way or another to have the kids.
I guess it really depends on your situation and who you are dealing with.
Westcoast WeirdoSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 7:56 am
Heehee – well, I feel really badly that you guys come out here all the time w/o the kids. I *love* your kids and spending time with them. I always think they’d have a blast at the Wild Animal Park & pool etc etc. I miss them! But I know you guys come out to ‘be alone’ and it’s certainly cheaper, lol. I always think that if we’d live closer, we’d be just fine ;) We’re both good planners so there’d be no last minute with us. *snort*
VixenBut I totally get what your saying bc while Quicksilver & I don’t forget about other people’s babysitting issues, we’re very happy WE don’t have them. LMAO
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:02 am
Dana- figures, your friendships hit sidelines bc your husband doesn’t make it *his* deal as well that your son lives with you full time. This is almost another post in itself. My exH was like that. Having children effected him very little in regards to *his* social life. Bc that’s what I was for- to parent (our) children.
VixenSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:04 am
RMG- Our children are just coming to the age where keeping some of what we do a secret is more difficult and ‘tricky’. You have a good thing now, enjoy ;)
VixenSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 am
PC- ;) We are on the same page……hehe
VixenSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:07 am
Joker- I had a friend in a similar situation as yours. And her exH went out of his way to muck up her plans on the wkends he was supposed to have their kids, which should have been his wkend off.
I feel for you in such a scenario. xo
VixenSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:08 am
Roxy- I think you are right. If you lived closer we would prob be more able to do some stuff with the kids and then some stuff w/o. But bc of the traveling, it does make it just easier to come out as adults. Which works bc we always have so much fun! :)
PCSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:36 am
Roxy- I’m still open to flying you and Quicksilver out here, on me. I’d love to have another time in LoDo and at Coyote Ugly. That last time was the first time I met you guys. Imagine how much we could have this time :)
Anyway, I’m just tossing it out there if Vix hasn’t already mentioned it. From my standpoint, the flights are the same price. But then we can simply get a hotel in downtown and party it up and then wobble back to the room. I’ll even take care of the hotel and other items. It’s 100% party on me.
EmmySeptember 2nd, 2009 at 9:54 am
We have a couple of go-to babysitters…but we explain to all of our friends that we cannot find a babysitter at a moments notice. All but one set of friends and “special friends”, if you will, understand this and respect it.
Our one set of friends get annoyed. While they have no problem coming and spending time w/us at our house w/ our kids around, they always make it well known that our kids are not invited for gatherings at their house. I have just had to be clear with them that if they don’t plan, the kids either come with us or we don’t come. Unfortunate, but reality really.
Good topic, btw!!
JadeSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 10:17 am
Since my divorce, I’ve been a “part time” parent–and love it. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my kids! But honestly, being able to plan adult things AND family things is such a blessing.
To PC’s point about why do things have to get guarded when the kids are around–I totally agree. I try to integrate my lovers/play partners/SO’s into my circle of “regular” friends and family b/c I DO want them to see adults interacting in loving (not sexual) ways, as friends and families-of-choice. I want them to know that my life choices are not entirely based on sex, but on committed, loving friendships. Of course the fact that they are older (14, 17 & 24) and know of my lifestyle choice (poly) makes it easier in some ways (tho perhaps not all.)
Because I have teenagers, tho, and because I am a part-time parent, I HAVE needed to remind myself when making plans with others who have younger children what it is like to need to find a sitter. But then I can always offer up the babysitting services of my daughter. ;-)
Good topic!
Jade
hubmanSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 11:23 am
The first scenario is *exactly* why Veronica and I prefer couples with kids when seeking swinging partners. They just “get it” when it comes to the limitations having kids puts on an “adult” social life.
Fortunately, we have a group of about 4 young ladies from PPs daycare center who sit for us and we can usually get out when we want to, provided enough notice is given, which can depend on the night of the week.
Professor FateSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Young kids inhibit spontaneity, adult spontaneity. [If the border patrol was as effective against illegal aliens as my kids were against their parent having sex...]
It passes as they get older and more responsible. If your friends are friends, they’ll still be there.
BTExpressSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Plan ahead and get a sitter is my only suggestion.
VixenSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Emmy- thanks for your input. That is pretty much how we are too. :)
Jade- I think that’s awesome to integrate your ‘friends’ with your day to day life, that may include kids. We do the same, I do the same, even with my ‘special’ friends. I can have friends, my kids don’t need to know what kind of friends they are.
VixenSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Hubman- that makes sense. You are lucky in that you have so many choices in babysitters. I’m sure that helps quite a bit.
VixenSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 8:13 pm
BT Express- yeah…that is what we do already, it just doesn’t work that way (no matter how many times we remind these different friends) when said friends are spur of the moment planners. :P
TUGSeptember 2nd, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Vix-I just want to say how impressed I am with PC. Not that really means anything, but what he just wrote (I guess he can read this as well) was so awesome.
Hey…wanna come to a b-ball game this weekendish?