VanillaKinks

I don’t want to go into a long, drawn out explanation.

From *personal* experience, somethings are better left unsaid.

  PC

I simply cannot imagine not telling him. Truth is, it may be less of a reflection of her and her past, and more of a revelation on who he really is.

  Chef Troll

Tell him the truth.

  Barefoot Dreaming

Your past makes you who you are today. she would not be the woman he loves without those experiences. If he can accept them then he is not accepting her. This cycle will continue – she will withhold things and it will get worse.

Even, if like my hubby, he chooses to hear the information and pretend it didn’t happen – at least you have told him.

I say that now – far into my relationship. But most of the time I didn’t tell -but hey, those relationships didn’t work either in the end.

Really long answer just to say – tell, and then hang on for the ride that follows.

  ~K

I agree with PC this is significant enough that she should tell him. How he handles it will say more about him than her. I am going to make the assumption that this guy is anti- abortion for religious reasons it is safe to say most people are, and if he is walking the walk then forgiveness is the first and most significant principal of the “higher law”.

  Professor Fate

I don’t think we have enough of the story, as always the devil is in the details.

I think she needs to tell him because she is feeling guilty about it and guilt will kill the relationship. If he is unable to accept her past, she deserves a better man. [See Dan Savage's Price of Admission]. If this becomes a long term relationship, he will find out and he will be hurt by the secret.

If she has already lied, the damage may be done. The only choice may be to continue the deception until the relationship ends.

p.s. I know that early life decisions are not a portent of the current person. I have a friend who had a baby at 14. She more than dabbled in recreational drugs. She became the person that society expected a drug-using-fuck-anything teen to be. Then one day she had an epiphany (she doesn’t remember or won’t talk about the cause), today she is a Physicians Assistant.

p.p.s. I don’t feel that Dan’s bit was about LARGE things like drug abuse (which to me is a larger issue than the abortion). I think he means you don’t need to share you all of your experiments – empirically finding out you don’t like anal or 69 or had a one-time (or two or three) homosexual experience.

  Vixen

Vanillakinks- I don’t disagree. *Some* things are. But such major ones such as Jenna’s past, I think are too big. We’re not talking about a month binge she was on. It’s how she manages to live her life for *years*

Leaving out such a long/huge/significant part of her history I think in the long run is damaging. IMO.

Thank you for your input. :)

  Vixen

PC- I completely agree. I think how he handles the information is def more a reflection on him.

BD- absolutely. What you said about her not being the woman he loves without those experiences…so true. And I think it’s more than ok after he’s been told to pretend it not have happened. But at least then she’s told him. Thank you for your opinion. :)

  Vixen

Prof Fate- no, I understand his bit wasn’t about something as LARGE at this, but it did get me thinking about pasts in general. And as I said, I already had this on my mind bc it was qued to go up. :)

There aren’t actually any more details to this. What more would you need to form a better opinion? She hasn’t been lying to him up to this point, just leaving out details and refusing to talk about her past.

  Emmy

She should tell him. Given we are talking years, it will eventually come up like it does when you have gaps in your resume. What happens down the road when it does? Also, I would have to assume she has people in her life who know partially about her past. Having others know your secrets can be dangerous when you are keeping a secret from someone you love.

Plus, if he can’t at least understand on some level what she was going thru even if he disagrees with her choices, I would wonder how strong the relationship really is.

  vixen kitten

I think he has a righ to know anything that could someday affect him. For example, if she had 2 children she gave up for adoption, those kids might one day turn up on their doorstep wanting to “know” her. THAT could affect his life as her husband.

The fact that she terminated two pregnancies, in my opinion, is none of his business. I doubt anything good would come of telling him, and there is nothing in the choice she made years ago that could change his life down the road.

Just my humble opinion.

xoxo
~vk~

  Vixen

VK- I almost agree with you…. Except consider this. They marry, years down the road they decide to start a family. And something comes up…she’s not able to, is having a difficult time conceiving. The drs go on to try to ‘solve’ the infertility and I’m going to guess now that the issues of the abortions are going to come up. It would seem very uncomfortable to now be trying to hide something from him that might be potentially causing the infertility problem.

Having had infertility issues myself (although not pertaining to abortions, but poss actually my IUD) I just know the line of questions they ask you about while trying to help you.

Thanks for your input Hon!

  Professor Fate

Is his a religious or political “problem” with abortion?

I think she should be upfront with him. She should tell him that she is ashamed of parts of her past. She should agree to share it with him if her REALLY needs to know and when she has sufficiently dealt with it. [Her dealing with it could take a while. She may need to have a baby first or two.] It’ll make him curious but if she can set the boundaries (even temporary boundaries) she’ll feel less guilty about “hiding” her past.

  Ulysseus

Prof,

Sex, religion and politics seem inextricably combined for me. I don’t think it matters if his abortion views are religious or political. Politics is just another form of religion and both can greatly effect sex and relationships over time.

One problem I haven’t seen discussed is that I think Jenna is settling. She’s never been in a “normal” relationship before and has about as much a clue as what one should be like as a high school teenager. Conservative button downs may work for the transition, but my guess is her wild side will need some exploring later, not repression.

Repression is like trying to cap the volcano.

  Ulysseus

In my non-humble opinion.

  Professor Fate

If it is religious (and not politics acting as religion), he may be able to love the sinner and hate the sin. He may understand that God tests people in certain ways.

If it is political, he may need to understand that she was a different person back then. She was on a different path. This is the one that may take a while to discuss it with him.

If it is politics masquerading as religion, then he is probably a pompous know-it-all and there will be no convincing him that she is not a drug using trailer park whore who is a determent to society.

  Dana

Telling him the truth (maybe not the gory details) now will be a true indicator of his character and dedication. Better to find that out now than to have him find out later.