PC

Read your emails… no. Hack your Facebook account and leave funny updates… apparently so. :)

  Jim

No, I agree . . . and I’m even a boy, who would LOVE to know what the hell my wife is thinking :-)

People make their own beds of bad communication, and they have to lie in them. If there were things that either of them could do to fix their marriage, one would hope that they’d find a way to drag that stuff out into the sunshine now and then, and improve things.

As the marriage ref in this one, I’d have to throw a big flag on him for invading her personal space (and yes, we DO still get to have those, even when married), but I also need to throw one on her for not being more open with him along the way, telling him what she needs and desires from him. You’ve got to clean out those wounds if they’re ever going to heal properly.

XO

  TUG

I’m with you. Don’t read it! But if she’s going to file for divorce over it then they have other issues. I think they just need to sit down and have some honest converstations with each other.

  Maggie

This is indicative of a larger communication issue. Perhaps they need counseling more than divorce lawyers at this point, but if she sees it as split up material then he gets what he gets.

Snooping. Yuck.

  vixen kitten

Without trust there is NO relationship.

I am a complete freak about the invasion of my privacy. I have broken up with someone because I caught them looking through my pocketbook when they thought I was in the shower. I have no clue what they were looking for, and to be honest, at that point really didn’t care. It was just “we’re done, get out.” To me, there was no excusable reason. They could have told me the girl scouts were selling cookies and they needed change, and my reply would have been, then you bring my pocketbook to me, and ask. You don’t just go through my personal things uninvited.

I agree with everything you said, especially when you said it comes down to the respect and trust you have for another person. I don’t think she over reacted. If it were me, I wouldn’t be threatening divorce, the papers would have already been filed.

Is it forgivable, yes. But I can forgive you, and still choose NOT to be in a relationship with you any longer.

Trust is a fragile thing. To me, once it has been broken, it’s like a tea cup that has been dropped and glued back together. On the outside it may look the same, but it’s never going to hold water again.

As always, my own humble opinion.

xoxo
~vk~

  Vixen

LOL yeah PC…that didn’t send me into panic mode. It was just cute and funny ;)

  Vixen

Jim, I do agree with you, that if she was writing things that apparently helped her husband ‘fix them’, they were big enough ‘things’ that she really should have been sharing them with HIM.

Bad communication can bite you in the ass in the long run.

  Vixen

jr- regarding your first comment. I appreciate that you appreciate the topic. And thanks for going into detail regarding your own experiences. Interesting road you and your wife have been on. And I’m impressed you have come out as well as you have. I like how strong your marriage seems to be. Kuddos. :)

Your other comment. What you said here:

2. He was wrong, so wrong. But people in loving relationships hurt each other and make mistakes. If there’s a willingness to work it out on both parties parts, I can’t imagine it alone was the dealbreaker.

If I weren’t so HYPER sensitive to the matter, I can see your point. And it makes a slight difference maybe that he was snooping to try to help *them*…rather than snooping to ‘dig up dirt’. But IDK. A first time might be forgivable and worth working out. But she seems pretty upset by her discovery.

Thanks for your input on this. :)

  Vixen

TUG- I do think something missing from their relationship is good communication.

Maggie….yep.

  Vixen

VK- I love your analogy about the tea cup. So true….

As always, appreciate your input and opinion :)

xo

  Bat

It’s such an invasion of privacy. My last relationship, the ex took it upon herself to get into my computer constantly. I didn’t have anything to hide, but she was so paranoid that I was doing the things she was doing, she felt the need to check on me. The really sad thing is that I knew she was doing it. Every once in a while I’d have to defend who I was talking to or even worse, she would bring up something that had happened long before I even knew her. She search my IM archives and crap (stuff I didn’t even know I had)and throw conversations in my face that didn’t have anything to do with her. All of the while she was sending erotic pictures and emails to people. Guilty minds work in funny ways. I’m so glad I’m no longer under that kind of observation. I just wish I had figured it out on my own before she dumped me for somebody else. Live and learn I guess.

  Vixen

Ah…we had similar relationships. And YES, guilty minds certainly *do* work in funny ways.

But like you said, live and learn. :)

  Ms Scarlett

Coming from the position of not having been in a relationship where I was controlled in any way, my feeling is that she’s over-reacting – a bit.

Everyone here makes good points… if the issues were that big, she should have been TALKING to him, not writing it in her diary. But he shouldn’t have been reading the diary either – even though it helped “fix” them.

But filing for divorce? Wow… she needs to take a step back, gain some perspective, and try to work through this first. People make mistakes – but that’s how we learn. If we get flattened every time we screw up, what do we learn?

  Professor Fate

I’m a day late, but…

From the available data, you she is over-reacting. I do not see diary reading as a divorce-able act.

He was about as wrong as wrong can get. He got lucky when he was trying to fix their marriage. She wrote something that he translated into something helpful. It could have easily been a erotic asphyxiation fantasy/fiction piece that could have landed him in jail for assault/rape.

I am not the one who has to forgive him. I am not the one whose trust was betrayed. I do not know if she can forgive him.

  Big Bill

To the husband I say:
DON’T DO IT! Any good marriage is built on mutual respect and basic trust.

To the wife I say:
FUCKING COMMUNICATE! Any good marriage is built on basic communication skills. The fact that things got better while he was snooping on your private writings only tells me he wanted to make things better, but you needed to COMMUNICATE some of those feelings to him personally. Heck, consider writing him private letters that he *is* allowed (or even encouraged) to read.

– Big Bill

  Vixen

Big Bill- that is an EXCELLENT idea!!! Love the letter idea!

  Vixen

Prof Fate, you are so right. Things could have been taken out of context. He is very lucky.

  Dana

I’m way late on this one but just wanted to offer this thought …

There were times when I *wished* my husband would find my blog – *wished* he would care enough about the obvious deterioration of our marriage – *wished* he would make any effort to “fix” things.

It’s all about perspective …

  Elle

I’m late too… but the first thought that popped to my mind when I read this is, that’s kinda sweet that he cared that much and tried so hard. I didn’t think of the invasion of privacy immediately. It most certainly has to do with the fact that I’ve never lived a situation like that. It’s hard for me to imagine. Of course, my BF doesn’t even read my blog, which is no secret to him…

All in all, I agree with what’s been said, that it’s wrong to do, since he’s doing it behind her back. I wouldn’t make that alone a reason for divorce though. There must be other underlying issues… And yes, she should have communicated those things. If she was able to write them down in a diary, then she was able to express them.