dusty

the longer you wait (if you are eventually going to come clean) the worse it gets for everyone. If they did come clean. more important than what is right or wrong is who the people are (the type of person)

seems like it would be a good idea to think it over and decide if it was something to take to the grave and then forget about it or come clean. Many respected professional (relationship counselors etc) believe it’s best not to tell. Seems like a situational thing to me. What may be the best way to deal with something after it’s too late to correct has more to do with the type of people in all the parties than what most would consider doing right or wrong.

  dusty

Big decisions (especially CQ’s) shouldn’t be taken lightly. Innapropriate levels of stress causes me to make shitty decisions. There is nothing wrong with stepping away for the weekend or a few weeks and not giving it any space in your head during these crucial breaks.

Deal with it when you can do it wisely. Some situations are such that there will never be a time an individual can deal with it wisely and nothing can change that. A person can only do what they are capable of and there are times when you have to give yourself permission to move on and leave it in the past. When it happens you have to leave all your thoughts and feelings that hurt with all the rest of the shit back there too, in the past.

All the feelings, emotions and thoughts that you take with you to the now need to be free from dirt so that your future mind won’t be chained. Your feelings and thoughts being chained to hurt is literally living in hell. You owe it to yourself to leave behind anything chained (unless that is the kink you’re into)

if it feels like all of yourself is chained let me know. We may need the bolt cutters or the cutting torch I stole from that bitch Karma (luckily I was barely two and didn’t know any better, I got let off Scott free)

  Jen

unfortunately my situation is complicated and it’s don’t ask don’t tell around here. (sorry)

btw ~ what are you looking for in the Tit for troops? just pics? is that it?

  PC

Umm… you made me look like I have occasionally slept around on you. Let’s be clear, that’s not my thing. I’m faithful to my wonderful wife. I have only cheated on you when it comes to making purchases. ;)

I love you Babe. And we have come a long way. Every now and then we’ll touch on something uncomfortable. But at least we now do things with one another’s pre-approval.

  Jim

Umm . . . was there text above that picture? Because if so, I missed it . . . ;-)

I think it all comes back to good communication between the couple, which helps to head off problems before they become a problem. Why would the guy be considering another woman to begin with? Have his needs changed, and she’s either not been told about this or is totally unaware of neglecting him in some way to make him feel this way? Is he “bored” with her for some reason, and thinks this will “spice it up?”

As a twist, would most women prefer that their unhappy husbands cheat, or live unhappily for years, resenting them? I think they’d choose neither . . . “I wish he’d talk to me about it, before it gets that bad,” of course. Same would go for the guys, with an unhappy wife, I imagine. It just doesn’t usually work out that way, it seems to me . . . the communication doesn’t happen, or is misinterpreted or ignored by one or the other, and then someone makes a bad choice, out of carelessness or desperation . . . taking action to try to make their own life better.

We all make our own decisions about communication, cheating, coming clean, etc., and have to be adults enough to live with them.

XO

  Professor Fate

I am one of those that doesn’t understand (but since when has that stopped from having an opinion). In my world I do not know any open marriage/relationship worked. My friends are 0-4. It may be the the opening of the relationship was an attempt it save it.

I feel that a partner goes outside of the marriage/relationship to fulfill some need that isn’t being met. That “need” is as different as relationships are. I have seen many relationships torn apart by the jealousy and insecurity. This took place in all four open relationships and several traditional relationships.

The one marriage that survived did so out of open and frank communication and because he has been willing to comply with some very strict rules for the last year.

  Professor Fate

Most people I know who have come clean, did so to unburden themselves of the secret. They told to make themselves feel better, not as attempt to score brownie points or to be honest.

If my S/O would admit it after the fact, we are most likely done. I wouldn’t be able to trust her. I feel trust is THE cornerstone. I require it. If I find out on my own, we are 100% guaranteed done. I cannot trust her and she didn’t have the enough respect for me to keep it hidden.

If my S/O needs something I am not offering, we need to discuss it. If I cannot offer it maybe a sexual surrogate would be an option.

  ~K

This topic is hitting very very close to home for me now. I want to comment but now i strangely find myself in a position of being unable to. Certainly now that I am on the other side of the equation. All I can tell you is nothing is as black and white as it seems.

  Vixen

dusty- I used to think the same thing. My belief until recently was that the cheater that tells their s/o of their indiscretions is being selfish. That knowing the s/o is going to be hurt by the news, why tell them?

But. I do think it’s situational. And as I said, my opinion has changed slightly recently regarding this matter. Thank you for your input!

  Vixen

dusty- as to your other comment. Good points and well thought out at that. Thank you. It’s definitely something I am working on in my myself- is my reactions to things.

  Vixen

Jen- I don’t think there is anything wrong with that actually.

TFT, you can send me ANYTHING your little heart desires :) I need boob pics. The pics don’t have to be anything special or spectacular (although I’ve seen yours and it would be hard for them not to be ;) unless you want them to be. It can be as simple as a click and send. And you can send them to me as anonymous or I can give you a title or a link or whatever the hell you want. I’m easy! (hehe)

  Vixen

PC- Yes. Let me set the record straight. That is NOT what I meant. You have never done any cheating in any way shape or form!

Sorry babe! I was referring to ‘general’ situations that have come up. Regarding ANYTHING.

*muah*

  Vixen

Jim- yes, being adults enough to live with our decisions and actions is HUGE. It’s part of being a grown up. Too bad there are so many out there that don’t operate that way.

And I agree, it all does come down to good communication. With out communication in a relationship- you have really nothing.

  Vixen

Prof Fate- True. As I was telling dusty, it comes across as selfish for the cheating person to come clean, to make themselves feel less guilty for their actions. And in doing so, hurting their s/o.

But I guess I was playing devils advocate here, in flipping it.

An open marriage was referred to as a unicorn in that House episode……

You always bring up great points that cause me to think. So thank you for your input :)

  Guy New York

As a strong advocate of open marriages and relationships in general, I think there are a few points in this that are especially challenging.

The first is agreement. In the example above, the problem seems more about the couple wanting different things and having trouble agreeing on a covenant. Personally I don’t think it’s my place to tell my partners what to do with their bodies, but we can make agreements. In fact we have to make agreements in order to be happy and safe and sane.

In an ideal world (and maybe tv show) the husband would have come back and said, “I don’t know that I can keep to this agreement. Let’s listen to each other with love and patience and see if we can work it out.”

The second challenging part is what should I do if I’ve broken our agreement? And the answer is usually in the agreement itself. My covenant insists that I share my mistakes and own my actions. It’s not really a matter of coming clean, or trying to make myself feel better. Sitting with a partner in pain because of my actions is never easy now matter how justified anyone may feel.

For me, open marriage means we recognize that we’re separate people who can make our own decisions about what we do with our bodies and our lives. It also means that we’re madly in love, invested in each others lives, and willing to do the sometimes difficult work of making our marriage wonderful.

What’s most important is that we’ve talked about what we want and we’ve created a covenant to make sure we can live together in a meaningful way. Many of these questions can be avoided by actively deciding how we’re going handle difficult things as they arise.

  Dana

Hmmm …

I’m late coming in on this one and I’ll admit there are far more factors (for me) in this decision that just come clean before or come clean after.

My insecurities do not allow for either option to be viable. I need to know that I am deserving of love and attention and if that love and/or attention is shared with someone else, I’m devastated.

What I thought was even more interesting about this particular House episode (and it may have been mentioned already – I didn’t read all of the comments) was the fact that the original couple with the open marriage was really very one-sided – the husband agreed to the open marriage but did so based entirely on the love for his wife. He remained faithful.

I’m wondering how many “open marriages” are more like that and less like the “everyone is having sex” scenario we often imagine.

  Vixen

Guy in NY….yes. The ‘agreement’. And again, what you brought up (oh so eloquently, and thank you for that) communication. In the perfect situation, the couple would come back to one another and discuss all of the things you mentioned.

And you are so right, actively discussing things before they arise helps SO much.

Most of all though, I loved what you said here-
For me, open marriage means we recognize that we’re separate people who can make our own decisions about what we do with our bodies and our lives. It also means that we’re madly in love, invested in each others lives, and willing to do the sometimes difficult work of making our marriage wonderful.

  Vixen

Dana, you bring up an interesting thought, in your last sentence. And I think you are right…. And is the case in my situation. PC doesn’t have a desire to see other women, or men. Although if he did and expressed a desire to do so, we’d discuss it and work it out.

Thanks for dropping by :)

  PC

Umm… glad you specified the “… or men” part. Thanks babe! ;)

  Vixen

No problem, babe. I got your back(side…snicker) ;)

  Guy New York

Out of the hundred or so people I know in various types of open relationships, I only know one with a monogamous partner. That said, there are so many ways to build relationships that I’m not sure any of them do it exactly the same way.

At the end of the day I think any good relationship comes down to honest and kind communication whether it’s a monogamous couple or an extended family of lovers.

Your blog is a great example of that!