Defend the one you love ~CQW
posted by: Vixen
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Jenny was out on New Years Eve with her boyfriend at a bar. She was hit on by another guy several times. Her boyfriend didn’t take much notice or do anything about it- and it really bothered her. When she mentioned it to him later, he brushed it off and told her he’s happy other guys think she’s hot. She wanted him to defend her though, to let this guy know, other guys know, that she’s HIS. She doesn’t think this is a lot to ask for.
My opinion? I think she’s being ridiculous. Coming from a past relationship where if another person even looked in my direction he would go ape shit and start a fight with them (verbal and/or physical) then turn around and blame *me* for prompting the attention by what I was wearing/how I was standing/the way I breathed [insert anything completely ridiculous]….. I think Jenny is on crack. What it sounds like to me is that she wishes she HAD a jealous boyfriend (?!?!?). I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard of someone wishing for this. Possibly I should hook her up with one of my ex’s! Ok, in all seriousness, I have been on the opposite end of this situation. I think she should feel extremely lucky that she has found a guy who is secure enough with himself and their relationship that it doesn’t bother him to have someone hit on her. I personally find jealous behavior a huge, huge turn off. If the guy were *bugging* her and wouldn’t leave her alone after she’d made it clear she wanted him to- then yes, that is a different situation and he should come to her aide. (BFD had to do this for me one night in Vegas at Coyote Ugly…*grins*….)
What do you think? Do you have advice for her? Should be upset about this???
*****
HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!
~ xo
Janie
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January 5th, 2011 at 3:23 am
I’m thinking the same of you. If the other guy was getting annoying it would be okay to step in, but I would be really pissed off if I was dealing with it and my boyfriend wanted to push in to claim his property? WTF?
I guess it’s her preference, and some people do like their boyfriends to be possessive but she definitely shouldn’t be upset if her boyfriend wasn’t acting like a dick. Which he wasn’t. Priorities, people…
Chapter Two- BFDJanuary 5th, 2011 at 6:30 am
I think it is a dangerous game she is about to start playing. The boyfriend is obviously not that type of guy (jealous idiot) and he won’t know how or when to step in according to her wishes. I also think she is going to NOT like it after a bit. If she reallllllly can’t take care of herself (duh! “I have a boyfriend, and he is right there, and I am happy with him” usually works right quick!) then don’t let go of her boyfriends arm. However, he will quickly tire of that and the relationship will end.
I hate the completely insecure have to get angry about men hitting on their girl sort of behavior. In fact it has been a sore spot. Enjoy the fact that your girl is hot enough to draw attention (as should SHE be flattered that she is getting attention)and as long as she isn’t making a fool of either of you, appreciate the fact she leaves with you (probably more confident and happy which leads to better sex)
I think Jenny has confidence issues herself. I got a guy for her, they can sit and be unconfident in the corner together stewing over the fact that other people exist.
Chapter Two- BFDJanuary 5th, 2011 at 6:32 am
Ohhhh- stepping in is not proving love btw. Make a signal between the two of you- if you feel like you truly are in danger (some guys just won’t back off) for him to know when to step in…. otherwise, pull up your big girl pants and learn how to stand on your own two feet!
KennyJanuary 5th, 2011 at 8:23 am
Not for nothing here but might I add most guys are too stupid in this sense to notice anything. What I mean to say is what she thought was hitting on her might have really been nothing to our obtuse male mind. Apparently, Jenny is ready to mate and wants her alpha mate to claim his territory before the other males try to sneak in and plant their seed in her. I mean if I am reading this on an evolutionary level this is exactly what we have here.
In reality though humans aren’t that simple and the sociological play here has all sorts of subtle nuances.
On one hand Jenny wants to feel protected. She sees her man’s inability to claim his territory as a sign of weakness and worse yet that he might not be attracted to her. However, as many have pointed out it is a dangerous game because jealousy is a very ugly human emotion and can quickly lead to the dark side in a relationship.
On the other side we have her betrothed. Perhaps aloof and unaware, but more likely not wanting to come across as a jealous possessive idiot. This is very much a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. Since we really do not know how aggressive these advances were we can only assume the BF was playing it cool unless he needed to step in. It is also possible that he is quite confident with himself saying “hit on her all night dude she is still going home with me”. This is not only a confidence and ego booster thing for guys it is VERY alpha male.
Bottom line here is if Jenny loves this guy and is confident with their relationship then this is a non issue. Unless the guy making advances got physical, or rude there is no reason for BF to step in. I don’t know what she expected him to do maybe raise his leg and pee on her a little bit to mark her with his scent? So Jenny unless he really left you in a dangerous and precarious situation I wouldn’t sweat it. In fact I wouldn’t even talk to your BF about it unless he really left you feeling venerable and in danger.
To the BF acting all jealous and angry is NOT the answer. Especially, if you are confident with the relationship. Still if you love Jenny she still has some issues to work through, and I think you can find balance here without being an uber possessive controlling jerk. Try staying just a little closer her to her in social situations. maybe even a few acts of PDA might be on order. Not to tell everyone you OWN her, but just to let people know she is there with you. Still you might want to let Jenny know you don’t over react when guys approach her because you know she loves you and you are confident nothing is going to come of it. You can’t be there all the time she is a big girl, but also throw her a bone and let her know that sure the little green eyed monster rears its ugly head sometimes, but its because you are really into her and hate the thought of not being with her..together…forever.
LolaJanuary 5th, 2011 at 9:16 am
Ok, I have to say, I’m a bit with Jenny on this one. If I was out with my husband, and another guy was hitting on me, I would want him to. TAKE. NOTICE! Maybe I read the situation incorrectly, but I think Jenny just needed to know that you BF saw what was happening, that she knew she could count on him if things took a turn. Sure, she can handle it by herself. But I still think the BF should’ve been paying a bit more attention to her. Defend her in some fit of jealousy? Absolutely not. But to lay claim to her in public, I think, can be very sexy. I think it would make Jenny feel even more loved by her BF if he wasn’t just ignoring the situation. Perhaps whispering in her ear, claiming her as HIS to her, at the very least. If another guy were hitting on me, I know, I’d definitely want my husband to continue to shower me with affection, to notice the situation (probably to nod his approval, but that might just be me).
Westcoast WeirdoJanuary 5th, 2011 at 12:12 pm
I think Jenny is insecure. I’m completely with you. Maybe she’s read too many romance novels or something too, lol. Quicksilver notices, but he thinks it’s humorous. He trusts me. It’d be different if the guy was annoying me or bugging me & the dolt didn’t take notice & kept at it. Then Quicksilver would come over & ‘help’ me if I gave him that ‘look’. Did Jenny even say anything to the guy herself?
Westcoast WeirdoJenny sounds like a game player. She’s probably a lot of drama in a relationship. If she wants a caveman attitude, have her hook up with an ex-con. Get over herself, already.
January 5th, 2011 at 12:14 pm
P.S. – I’m glad Quicksilver doesn’t act all jealous – I don’t want him getting in a physical fight over me. Good Lord! (But maybe that only happens where I live, lolol)
Chapter Two- BFDJanuary 5th, 2011 at 2:02 pm
So I have been thinking about this- in college there were times I NEEDED my man to step in and get me out of a creepy/uncomfortable situation. In that case I appreciated my boyfriend keeping tabs on where I was in the room and being able to “read” me. But if I gave him the all is fine look even with a guy near me, then I appreciated him standing back. If I got uncomfortable I would just find my man and hold onto his arm making it obvious where and who I stood with. Sounds like she needs to make a better plan with her man, not get pissed
VixenJanuary 5th, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Janie- excellent choice of words: possessive
I reference jealousy numerous times, but I think the much better word choice would have been *possessiveness*. I LOATHE possessiveness.
VixenJanuary 5th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
BFD- Dangerous game for SURE.
And sorry…but I did have to laugh at your comment about the unconfident people sitting in the corner of the room together ;)
VixenJanuary 5th, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Kenny- interesting what you said in your first paragraph…. I’m still pondering that one. I mean I believe you, but based off of my experience with men- they always notice when another guy is hitting on their girl. Always. It’s just a matter of how they react to it.
Good advice though. Very well said and I loved what you said. You always have such great responses and advice on these CQW’s! Thanks babe ;)
VixenJanuary 5th, 2011 at 10:01 pm
Lola- I can see your point… But I guess I just really like my space and to be able to do my own thing. With out feeling smothered. So I just don’t understand her feeling on this matter.
VixenJanuary 5th, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Roxy- I think you mentioned the word I was thinking… (drama)
Sweet LouJanuary 6th, 2011 at 6:28 am
She is definitely being ridiculous. I’ve always said I want every guy to notice the woman I’m with. Because it makes me prouder that she’s chosen to be with me. AND, I like to think the guys would be a little envious of me.
In the same breath, when my wife will get mad if a woman stares me down, My response always is ‘Would you rather I be fat and out of shape and ugly so they DON’T look at me?’
Certainly a guy can go to far and start unwanted advances. In that case, you just have to move away and find some space. But if the other guys not being over the top, then I think it’s fine.