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On my radio station last week a guy called in seeking advice.  He met a woman through work, they’ve become close friends over the last three years.  He’s dated other women and none of them ever come close to comparing to his close friend. He believes he’s found the woman of his dreams and is truly in love with her.  The problem?  She’s married.  AND has no idea how he feels about her.

He’s not sure what he should do.  He *loves* her, is positive she is THE ONE.  He really cares about her though and is not wanting to turn her life upside down or ruin their friendship.

The majority of the people who called in to offer him advice agreed he should tell her.  Let her know how he feels.  That if he doesn’t, he’ll never know if she might feel the same way.  That “The heart wants what the heart wants” and there is no control over that.  What if this IS his ‘one true love’ and she feels the same way but because he never says anything….well….  So, what does he do???

Have you ever been in love with a married friend?  How did you deal with it?  Should he say anything to his friend??? 

This happened one time to me….’ish’.  In my early twenties.  I realized I had a huge crush on a close friend of my ‘then’ boyfriend (exH).  I kept it to myself.  One drunken night he revealed to me that he had fallen in love with me.  We both pretended the next day that he hadn’t admitted it. Finally, eventually, we talked about it and agreed our friendship with each other, his with my exH, and overall…not a good thing.  Everything else was more important than rocking the boat to find out ‘what if’.  But honestly, to this day, I wonder.  Obviously things with my exH went way south, and it’s hard not to think…well what if we *had* explored options????  But I don’t live my life by ‘woulda/shoulda/coulda’….regrets are a waste of time.  But I have to say, if I were him, I think he should try to broach the subject with her.  My humble opinion……

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

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~ xo

Vixen

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So a friend of mine is having ‘drama’ in her life.  Her boyfriend works with a girl that is ga-ga for him.  The girl has admitted to him she wants him and flirts like crazy with him.  It really bothers my friend and her boyfriend knows this.

Well, at a drunken work type function her boyfriend and the girl he works with ended up making out.  He told her about it that night when he came home feeling incredibly guilty.  He feels awful and promises that’s all that happened, nothing more.  She’s pissed at her boyfriend, they are dealing with that.  But she wants to write the girl, bitching her out and tell her to basically ‘back the fuck off her man and get her own’ (her words).

I gave her my opinion (I’ll tell you in a second what it is) but she wanted me to ask for other people’s opinions too.

MY opinion? NO-NO-NO-NO  She should not contact the girl.  That girl did not force her boyfriend to do anything he didn’t want to with that girl.  Whether drunk or not, he chose to hook up with her.  So the chicks a bitch for hooking up with a guy who has a girlfriend.  But the real person at fault is THE BOYFRIEND.  The issue needs to be with HIM, needs to be taken up with him.  Period. Involving that other girl is only going to cause more drama.  (And you all know how I feel about drama) 

I had a really good guy friend from High School that I had to end our friendship a few years back because despite us being only friends….his wife kept contacting me.  Voicing her ‘displeasure’ at our friendship, sure there must be something more (!!!).  Jealousy is not a characteristic I am a fan of.  I don’t get the mentality that having an issue with your significant other means you should take it up with an outside party.  How about you focus on the person you are trying to have a relationship with.  Duh!

But as I told her, I would bring it up with others.  To get a more rounded opinion than just mine.  So?

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

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~ xo

Vixen

(click the button for more info, email me if you have any great ideas for a topic, I’d love to hear from you!)

Two girls, best friends.  The first has a guy she’s been crushing on for a long time now.  The other has known about her best friends crush…since always.  The girl goes out of town and when she returns finds out that her best friend has hooked up with her crush several times while she was gone.

She’s pissed at her best friend. But the friend says she can’t be mad because they weren’t dating.  Is the friend overreacting???  Was some kind of a friend code broken?

NO the friend isn’t overreacting!  And YES!!!!  Not ok!  You don’t go after the guy your supposed to be best friend is into!  It doesn’t matter that they weren’t dating.  The friend made it clear SHE liked him, had a crush on him.  That would upset me and really hurt my feelings to find out my *best friend* had gone after someone I had made clear I liked!  It would be awfully difficult to not feel betrayed I think.  Friend code broken FOR. SURE.

Tell me what you think???

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

(tumblr)

~ xo

Vixen

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Say….you have been loosely dating two different people over a long-ish period of time (each of them on and off for six plus months).  And those two people start talking on Facebook, because they are mutual friends with you.  And they become FB friends.  You like one of the girls quite a lot but you are not in a committed relationship with either.

And then you find out that they are dating.  An ‘item’ now.

How do you feel?  And are you justified in feeling which ever way you do?

This happened on a reality show I watch called “The Real L Word” (yes, sigh…a real life show about lesbians, what isn’t there for me to like?!).  One of the girls, Whitney (the one that PC insists is just like me), had this happen to her.  She had actually just decided that she wanted to become more serious with one them when she discovered the two were now seeing each other. 

I guess…yeah.  I’d be hurt and upset.  But probably more than anything I’d be pissed at myself for missing out on the opportunity and letting the one I really wanted to be with get away.  She obviously had no ‘claims’ on either of them.  It is a bit ironic that they ended up together….mainly because Whitney couldn’t make a decision. 

Your thoughts?  Was any kind of ‘code’ broken???

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

(tumblr)

~ xo

Vixen

(click the button for more info, email me if you have any great ideas for a topic, I’d love to hear from you!)

This was being discussed recently on a radio station’s facebook page. I was searching for something and got caught up in the conversation.

Does it matter to you how many your partner has had?
Have you had any problems with someone once you revealed how many partners you’ve had?

It was interesting all the different takes.  People saying it had caused issues in past relationships, so they now practiced the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  Another said, they didn’t think the number mattered unless it is more than before they entered into a committed relationship (doh…good one, haha). 

The double standard of how it’s ‘more ok’ for a guy to have a higher number than a girl, was mentioned and debated.

“I think the double standard can be explained like this.
A Key that fits alot of locks, is a master key. (Guy)
A Lock that fits alot of keys is a shitty Lock. (Girl)”

*shaking head* (NOT ok….)  I do think it’s become less of a double standard in today’s society.  But it’s still there, especially after reading that comment above.

I liked one girls comment of-

“I have been around the block several times and still making laps”

Gotta love her honesty!

Probably the best advice and my stance- “I don’t think it should matter, just wrap it before you tap it” 
*snort*

I think numbers are unimportant.  I do want to know about previous partners, but the number isn’t going to bother me nor am I going to judge them by it.  I’ve been with more females then men (over twice as many actually…).  I became common law married while practically still in high school and remained faithful to him (not to be confused with him to me  *AHEM*) for 15years before the relationship fell apart.  And then well, I realized boys are fun.  Definitely not trying to add notches on my bedpost but nothing wrong with being well versed in my opinion.  *wink*

Does a number matter to you????

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

(vi.sualize.us)

~ xo

Vixen

(click the button for more info, email me if you have any great ideas for a topic, I’d love to hear from you!)

This topic came up on my radio station…

Her husband has given her permission to cheat.  When they married she had been a virgin and was very young, he on the other hand is a bit older than her and had been with quite a few women previously.  She’s been finding herself fantasizing about other men quite a bit lately.  She loves her husband very much, has no intentions of leaving him, she wants to be married with him.  But is curious.  He has offered her a 7 day “Hall Pass”.  She’s not sure if she should do it or not.

I was completely taken aback by the responses on the radio station.  People were throwing out things like he’s probably cheating on her already so she should leave him.  That HE should leave her for having these feelings.  They should just divorce because they obviously don’t love each other. 
*shaking head*

I guess I’m just a lot more open minded to think this could possibly work.  But I also believe there is nothing wrong with open marriages, swinging, being polyarmorous, etc.  Society has grown and with it different relationship dynamics and types.  I mean, you don’t want to do that in your relationship?  Fine.  So don’t.  *shrug*  But to belittle, berate and attack someone else for wanting to try something in theirs?  Shut the fuck up.  Seriously.  (sorry, nothing strikes a nerve more with me than people who are narrow minded and judgmental of others)

Now the question of if she should do this or not….  That’s not something I think anyone can answer except for her husband and her.  Is it playing with fire?  Possibly.  I commend her husband for being confident and secure enough in himself, her and their marriage to encourage her to do this  She needs to delve into her feelings, the stability of their relationship, they need to be pretty open and honest with each other about expectations, how the other is feeling, etc.  I think a lot of communication needs to happen before she decides to take advantage of his offer.

Thoughts?

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

(tumblr)

~ xo

Vixen

(click the button for more info, email me if you have any great ideas for a topic, I’d love to hear from you!)

Here is the jist-  She is married.  She likes to go out on her own, whether it be with friends or even just by herself.  Her husband is completely ok with this.  There are occasions that a guy will buy her a drink.  Sometimes it even results in conversation.  Innocent conversation.  The guy she was telling this too was giving her a lot of shit,

Somehow the topic came up while at dinner with a mutual friend of the couples (who is male), he felt it was completely inappropriate for a married woman to accept drinks from someone while out.  That it gave the wrong impression.  (Not that I’m going down this road, but I’m fairly sure the guy probably also felt it was inappropriate for her to even be out with out her husband *rolling eyes* but we’re not going there.) 

The woman tried to argue her stance, that accepting a drink from someone…isn’t an open invite to take her home.  Why can’t a guy buy a girl a drink?  Or the other way around?  Possibly she’s being hit on, it could be viewed as a flirtatious advance, or maybe he’s just being nice to her.  But if the buyer of the drink tries to advance further, she can politely decline- thanks but I’m married/seeing someone/whatever.

Is it inappropriate for a married woman to accept drinks from someone while out?  Does it give the wrong impression?  Is the married person crossing the line?

Wanna know my answer? 
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  Hello, the 1950′s called and they want their stuffy morals back. 

I mean seriously, it’s the year 2011, I’m pretty damn sure we can all buy one another drinks and NOT have to end up in bed together.  Actually, when my weekly Friday night routine was club hopping with my girlfriends ~thirteen years ago~ that it was ok then too.  I’m just relieved the girl is married to her husband rather than that other guy who would probably prefer she never leave their home much less remove her apron.  *rolling eyes*

So um….can I buy you a drink?  *wink*

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

~ xo

Vixen

~Buffy The Vampire Slayer
(this quote cracks me up, one of my favorites from the series)

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He has a 14yro daughter and her BFF is bi.  And because of that he won’t let his daughter have sleepovers with her.  He says he wouldn’t let a boy sleep over, so not her either.  His daughter is calling him a ‘homophobe’. 

I think he’s being ridiculous.  I’m having a difficult time even wrapping my mind around this in order to lay out my thoughts.

First off.  Young people experiment.  When I mentioned this CQW to PC he brought to my attention that not all pre-teens were like me and my friends.  Ok. Point taken.  My friends and I from a very early age began experimenting with each other.  Not one of us thought anything of it.  *shrug*  Of all of my friends I am the only one who later realized I was a lesbian (and later on, the reality that what I really was was probably bi….unless you go back to my sexual fluidity post that I just like who I’m attracted to…. FOCUS!).  We were experimenting not sexually active, not trying to turn each other ‘gay’, we weren’t doing anything ‘wrong’ or anything out of the ordinary.  Maybe my friends and I were being more ‘curious’ than some others.  But I don’t really believe that’s true.

This fathers attitude perturbs me a bit in that his way of thinking seems to be that people who are bi/gay are out to ‘turn everyone’….to have sexual experiences with everyone they meet.  So apparently to him people who are bi or gay are more promiscuous????  Oh and untrustworthy.  Also, I hate to break it to him, but if they were to have something going on between them beyond a friendship, keeping them from having sleepovers together isn’t really preventing anything.  I mean hello….has he been fourteen before?!

The idea as a parent is to teach your children your values and expectations.  Impress upon them these things.  And then hope as they mature into young adults that you have done a good enough job that they have listened and learned.  Sure you can eliminate temptations but restricting a specific friendship because of who or what they like bothers me.  Restricting his daughter from having sleepovers with her best friend is sending a bad message, in my opinion.  And quite honestly, if I were the parents of the bi BFF I would be pissed.

What do you think?

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

(tumblr)

~ xo

Vixen

(click the button for more info, email me if you have any great ideas for a topic, I’d love to hear from you!)

Should you have to give up a friend(s) because your significant other doesn’t like them?  Does that relationship take precedence over the already established friendship?

Ben’s best friend for over ten years is Katie.  They became friends in college, gave dating a try but both realized they were better off as friends.  They text each other through out the day, hang out and frequently do things together.

Ben began dating Amy about 6 months ago, they became exclusive 4 months ago.  Amy doesn’t like Katie, the relationship Ben has with her or the amount of time they spend together.  She has confronted Ben that she is worried Katie is wanting ‘more’ from the relationship and told him she doesn’t want them to be friends anymore.  Ben is pissed she’s asking him to end a friendship with someone he was friends with years before Amy came into his life.  He’s assured her that she has nothing to worry about.  Especially considering him and Katie already tried the relationship thing and know it doesn’t work.

So….what do you think?  Should he end his friendship to make Katie happy?

In my opinion….. Insecure much?
This bothers me.  She met him and knew his best friend was a female.  She also knew they at one time dated.  It didn’t bother her then.  But what, she swoops in and after 6months when she feels nice and serious about him, decides to rearrange his life so that it suits her and how she wants it to be/him to be?  Grrrrr……

Next.  I say he finds a girlfriend that isn’t out to change things about him.  Because what…first she doesn’t like his friends and wants them out of the picture?  Then she doesn’t like him going anywhere with out her….  *Blech* Insecurity is a pretty huge turn off.

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

(tumblr)

~ xo

Vixen

(click the button for more info, email me if you have any great ideas for a topic, I’d love to hear from you!)

Can you have a FWB relationship with an ex?

They previously dated, were in a serious relationship, broke up.  Have remained friends and now, sometime later have become FWB.  She is worried one of them (probably more so her) will develop feelings again and doesn’t want that to happen.  There was a good reason they broke up in the first place.  They did not do well as a ‘couple’ in a relationship but the sex is fabulous.

Is she playing with fire by continuing the ‘benefits’ aspect of their friendship?

BTDT.  For me, personally, it made me realize -again- WHY I didn’t want to be with that person anymore.  BUT.  Fabulous sex is well….fabulous.  Right?  And when it’s with someone you are already comfortable with.  That’s yet another bonus, that in my opinion, makes sex even better.  I do think you run into a small risk of re-developing feelings for that person.  But I think when you have any friend with benefits relationship, that can happen. 

Is it possible to be “friends with benefits” with someone you’ve had a
past relationship with and once had very strong feelings for? Can you
separate the emotions, or is this playing with fire?

*****

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

(tumblr)

~ xo

Vixen