It still makes me teary reading it…..
We’d become friends so many years ago.  Always at different points in our lives.  Him in a serious relationship.  Me not.  Him single.  Me not.  I got married.  He got married.  Time passes.  He wasn’t supposed to mean as much to me as he did. 

I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him.  Or him with me.  We were both taken completely by surprise.

He stood by me at my worst…when I pushed him away the most.  When I felt the absolute most hopeless…and unlovable…  Had difficulty finding a reason to smile.  Or….sigh….breathe……  He was there.  Always.

There’s no ‘trying’ to make it work.  It. just. does.  All my quirks…  He has some too…  Some (ok many!) of them the same.  As he’s said to me- There’s going to be days we don’t get along as well as normal…it’s how we get through them that matters.

Life is a struggle.  It just is.  We hit speed bumps along the way.  There are trials and tribulations.  It is NOT always easy…  But the point is to make it worth it.  You only get one life, so live it to it’s fullest…best…happiest.

~ xo

Vixen

If you haven’t met me,
If you don’t know me personally (like…IN PERSON),
If I don’t communicate with you regularly (say like, oh….ALL THE TIME),

THEN YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW ME.

Then you don’t have any idea about my life.
Or about me or my kids or my personal business.
What I have chosen to publish here on this blog is an extremely small insight of who I am….or about anything actually going on.

So MexiMoo (you judgmental, self righteous cunt…), Smelissa (you psychotic stalker…seriously it’s been *eight years* LET.IT.GO…  *shaking head* …psst….crazyperson!….), etc. keep your ill-informed, judgmental, bitchy, nastiness to yourself and stop pretending like you know ANYTHING about me and my actual, real life.

*blink blink blink*

I understand when very little is written or said it leaves assumptions to be made…and….sigh….I suppose rumors to be spread…  I also understand that having a public forum such as a blog, leaves you open for criticism. And for the most part I guess I’ve been ok with that.

BUT.
Sometimes…things are not how they seem. Things seem…more ‘okay’ then they really are. And…sometimes…you find things not as you had hoped they would be…need them to be.  But you sugar coat them and keep trying…willing yourself to focus on the good.  And you stumble and trip and fall….and when you slowly begin to emerge from the fog you fell into you suddenly realize…hard decisions have to be made.  Feelings have changed.  Life has changed. 

And so..I gained confidence enough in myself to change things.  I made a decision that I felt was best for myself and in turn my family.  It’s difficult to try to explain or talk about…so I just don’t. And in turn, over the months have distanced myself from many of those who care about me. No one knows what goes on behind another person’s closed door and I think that is often forgotten in ‘blog land’ but needs to be remembered.  My blog is not my life.  It’s a small portion that I choose to share.

I’m moving in a direction that is where I really want to be…where I’ve wanted to be…

And…that’s what I’ve got to say about that. *wink*

~ xo

Vixen

I know that starting over is not what life’s about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

I’ve learned two things in life….

Choose your battles.

and

Follow your heart.

~ xo

Vixen

(vis.ualize.us)

If I could find the words I would explain.  I would write them. I would tell them.  Writing…this blog…HERE…has always been my outlet.  My place of reprieve.  The place I would work out my inner demons.  The shit I am struggling with. 

But I can’t find them.  They are lost.

I’ve been lost. 

And sigh…so… sad …no matter how badly I want to be able to move past it.  And not.

It’s going to get better.  I’m going to get better. I keep reassuring my family…my friends…of that.

And hopefully then I’ll feel ‘it’ again….here.

~ xo

Vixen

I’m at a point where although I have so much swimming in my head I just don’t feel much like sharing.  I’m treasuring my memories.  Keeping things like my daily happenings and ‘life’ to myself.  Processing maybe ???

I also haven’t felt very up to ‘par’.  I struggle with my blood sugar and unfortunately it decided to take a nose dive and give me the big “F YOU”.

*sigh*

Just not really feeling ‘it’ right now… 

In the meantime-

TFT is (finally) up!  Go check it out. 

Thanks to all our fabulous contributors!  We’ve had some fantastic new ones.  Which rocks!!!  Want to contribute too?  It’s so easy….so simple….snap a pic and SEND. IT. TO. ME.  See????  Not hard!  EASY!  So here’s what you do…you take a pic…ANY type of pic you want (of your boobs…guys….your moobs…  *grins*).  Send it to me.  Tell me how you would like to be credited and/or linked.  You can even remain anonymous if you want.  Just EMAIL ME!

HNT will go up tonight be sure to check back for that!

~ xo

Vixen

I want to write…but I can’t.  I’d love to free my brain from…’the shit’…but I can’t.  So much has happened in the last few months and it’s laying very…very heavily on my mind.  My little girl Emma breaking her leg, the decisions required surrounding that, her surgery and the weeks of recovering following…then the heartbreak of her disappearance, drama with ex’s and life…repeatedly…  Friday afternoon coming home to find our pet goat, Chloe…of 6 years…that I bottled raised from 4weeks on… had been attacked by a stray neighbor dog.  Despite being rushed to one of the best teaching hospital in the US, and her seeming to have been stabilized… she still passed away the next morning…  I wish I could take away LP having to endure the trauma of finding Chloe.  (why on earth did I let her go in search of Chloe when my first immediate gut feeling when I saw the dog was that Chloe wasn’t ok… *guilt* …)

My laptop decided to up and die mid day Thursday.  It had been very well used and not super happy as of recent.  PC had been stoked to get a new 17″ Macbook Pro for himself and handing down his (which is how I was given my other recently deceased one)… much to his dismay my Mac’s untimely death caused a change of plans.  (and despite his joking…NO, I did not pour Coors Light over my laptop in an attempt to fry the motherboard…LOL!).  But…BUT…being the computer fucking genius he is, he amazingly restored everything from my laptop to my new one.  SWEET!!!!  *YAY!!!*

Yeah… I have a lot going on.  And fuck..no…I just can not seem to catch a break.  Do I get points for breathing in and out?  *sigh*

So because of the laptop issues Friday Favorites weren’t published but there were some really, really good ones so I definitely wanted to put them out and give them a shout out.  If you missed them last week, hit them up!

Gigi…..

Cheeky Minx…..

Emmy…..

His Pleasures & Pearls…..


Pocket Rocketz…..

******

~ xo

Vixen

Friday Favorites:

One this week.  I was in awe of her creativity, the raw beautiful-ness of the photo and of her.  If you haven’t been by to show her some love (what were you under a rock?!) scoot on over there!

Emmy…Right Turn Without Signaling…..

*****
Brain dump…

* I haven’t shared much of myself lately.  I guess for numerous reasons.  Complications in my life, shit going on, not wanting to really talk about it, paired with just also felt as if I had nothing to say about any of it.  Sometimes I feel the need to vent and get it all off my chest…and other times I internalize.  The noise is so fucking loud in my head but when I open my mouth…nothing comes out.  Ever have that feeling?

* LP got vibrant pink highlights in her hair this last week.  It probably doesn’t come as too much of a shock to learn that her favorite color is pink too… ~smirk~   It’s the second time she’s gotten this done.  Her hairlady and I were discussing that if this was the worst she wants to do to herself (ie piercings, etc) then hell yeah I’m going to support it.  (course….she does have a severe allergy to metal…so the idea of her ever running out to have her navel pierced are pretty much none…bwahaha….)

* Baby girl Emma….the pup that broke her leg, requiring immediate and serious decisions to be made regarding her future, then orthopedic surgery, followed by 8 weeks of recovery….  She disappeared Tuesday afternoon.  All efforts to find her have been futile.  Hours spent driving and calling, signs, ads placed, reports with humane societies made……  Everyone is absolutely, completely heartbroken.  Her big sister, Kiya, especially…she’s refusing to eat and remains incredibly depressed.  *sigh*

* Kiddos have 4 weeks left of school before summer break.  Eeek!  Guess it’s about time to purchase our pool passes and pull out the sunscreen.  They were absolute fish last summer…especially LM who discovered the diving boards!  Entire days spent in the sun…them swimming…me reading…can. not. wait.

* PC has sorted some things out and is working from home again….  Rewind 9 months ago and he’s back to feeling a lot less stressed….grins….
(yay!!!)

* My allergies have so far been kept at bay this year (…knock on wood).  Bit of an issue with my lungs (residual effects from the god awful respiratory infection I had for two months last fall) and some other allergy related symptoms…but NOTHING like last year.  Ohthankfuckinggod!!!

* My Studmuffin friend is (hopefully) coming for another visit in a few weeks.  Um…yeah…super excited about that. (!!!)

*****

Alrighty then….  Enjoy your weekend!

(tumblr)

~ xo

Vixen

Friday Favorites-

Sinandseduction…..

Ms. Tigerx…..

Suburbanslut…..

Don’t forget to CLICK  on the links and visit these lovely ladies, show them some love, if you haven’t already!

*****
The name of the game this week was *BREATHE* and try not to be consumed by my anxieties surrounding life changes that might be amidst. 

*sigh*

I woke up Thursday feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed.  There were some things on my plate that fell in categories such as- kept forgetting to take care of, needing to take care of, learned suddenly needed to be handled asap. 

…:::breathe:::…

But.  By Thursday afternoon I had marked everything off my list.

A house/kiddo sitter is lined up for our trip to visit Roxy for her bday/St Paddy’s Bash. -CHECK

Important phone calls had been made.  -CHECK

One set of documents were found, copied and faxed -CHECK

Another set completed and notarized -CHECK

A trip to the post office -CHECK

….:::breathe:::…

There was another category gnawing at me.  The one that was causing those familiar, uncomfortable knots in my stomach, making it difficult to breath and concentrate…  The…  What’s the point?  If -A- were to happen, then what is the point in fucking with -B- and -C- or even -D-  ?!?!?!?!

PC, hearing the anxiety in my voice, the tell-tale rise in my tone…concentrate on the things I can control, he says.  To not allow myself to be overwhelmed by those I can not….   Tells me to look down.  Pull up my sleeve and read the words written on my arm.

BFD, as well, tells me to work on controlling what I can.  And to have faith about the rest.  To run.  (which I will have every day this week…despite my knees and hips screaming at me….there is some sanity to be found with a clear head)

Yes.  True.  They are right.  While I am neurotic and excessively obsessive…I don’t consider myself a control freak.  But the ‘unknowing’…  The flying by the seat of my pants.  *shaking head to clear it* 

I’m not very good at it. 

(tumblr)

….:::breathe:::…

*****

So it’s the weekend….enjoy!

(tumblr)

~ xo

Vixen

Friday Favorites-

So…the girls this week….damn.  Here are this weeks favorites, if you haven’t done so already, click the links and hit them up. 

Janie… Hundred Ways To Be Perverse…..

Emmy…Right Turn With Out Signaling…..

My Hot Raven…..

*****

This week…man.  *shaking head*

I spent the first part of it a teensy (major understatement) bit overwhelmed. 

Our 5month old Texas Heeler puppy, Emma, had a fluke accident that resulted in a very serious injury (a sharp spiral fracture in her Tibia, the Fibula was broken as well). 

Requiring very difficult decisions to be made on very short notice.  Decisions and I.  Admittedly I’m not very good at them.  Decisions under pressure?  Even worse.  PC was incredibly sweet at remaining calm and standing behind me, offering support.  Several of my friends were there for me exactly when I needed them to be.  (thank you….)

I hadn’t been getting enough sleep.  I mean I never get much night time sleep but am usually able to compensate with a cat nap and/or one night a week where I just crash and can truly recharge.  I was lacking on the ‘recharging’.  Which meant I was running on empty more so than I’m able to function on (very well at least). 

I was mentally and physically exhausted.  And spent.

Unfortunately= me—> extremely emotional.  Which given the first few previous things…yeah.  Makes sense.

There have been several other stressers that have added to the ‘fun’ this week.

But. 

Emma came out of orthopedic surgery like a champ Wednesday afternoon, so much so they released her to me that night.  She/we have a long road of recovery ahead of us but she’s going to be ok.  ((((Babygirl)))

Our weather has been fabulous.  I’ve been able to run along my favorite trail system all week, getting in 25miles.  I saw a magnificent buck Elk less than 10′ from me on it’s way to get a drink from the river (one of the few times I wished I had my cell on me when running).  And on another day, a calf being born (spring is coming!!!).  When you get out there and stretch your legs, breathing in the fresh air, with the perfect playlist on your iPod….I feel as if I can run forever.  (Unfortunately my knees and hips haven’t been as pleased about this…  *oaff*)

I’ve since gotten a bit of much needed ‘catch up’ rest.  Have found a bit better head space.  Things are never perfect but they can at least be peachier.  And that they are.

*****

Oh. And um….  I’m thinking you might be (reeeaaally) interested in reading something SHE posted. 
*ahem*
Did you click?
(yeah)

Enjoy your uh, weekend.

~ xo

Vixen

(vi.sualize.us)

We are in control of every day of our lives…..even if it is just
our attitude towards things. There is not a circumstance that denies
that. Control comes not only from the things we can do, but from the
attitude we have to what is going on around us.

So the other day….  I woke up happy.  Like.  HAPPY. 

I’m a fairly upbeat person.  With a ‘cup half full’ attitude.  I try to find the bright side in things.  I hate to dwell on the negative.  When PC asks if I’m happy- which he does often (with us, life, overall), I’m being truthful when I tell him- yes.  But I fall into funks… more easily than I would like.  I become overwhelmed by stresses, ‘things’, LIFE… more often than I care to admit.

The other morning I was driving in my car and I felt myself smiling.  My heart was light.  No worries were heavily weighing me down.  Not a single anxiety trying to creep it’s way in.  My cup felt…full.

I was happy.

I would have loved to have bottled that up, that feeling, in that moment.  Maybe take the lid off and breathe it in once in awhile when I’m faltering.

(vi.sualize.us)

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

~ xo

Vixen