(vis.ualize.us)

If I could find the words I would explain.  I would write them. I would tell them.  Writing…this blog…HERE…has always been my outlet.  My place of reprieve.  The place I would work out my inner demons.  The shit I am struggling with. 

But I can’t find them.  They are lost.

I’ve been lost. 

And sigh…so… sad …no matter how badly I want to be able to move past it.  And not.

It’s going to get better.  I’m going to get better. I keep reassuring my family…my friends…of that.

And hopefully then I’ll feel ‘it’ again….here.

~ xo

Vixen

I’m at a point where although I have so much swimming in my head I just don’t feel much like sharing.  I’m treasuring my memories.  Keeping things like my daily happenings and ‘life’ to myself.  Processing maybe ???

I also haven’t felt very up to ‘par’.  I struggle with my blood sugar and unfortunately it decided to take a nose dive and give me the big “F YOU”.

*sigh*

Just not really feeling ‘it’ right now… 

In the meantime-

TFT is (finally) up!  Go check it out. 

Thanks to all our fabulous contributors!  We’ve had some fantastic new ones.  Which rocks!!!  Want to contribute too?  It’s so easy….so simple….snap a pic and SEND. IT. TO. ME.  See????  Not hard!  EASY!  So here’s what you do…you take a pic…ANY type of pic you want (of your boobs…guys….your moobs…  *grins*).  Send it to me.  Tell me how you would like to be credited and/or linked.  You can even remain anonymous if you want.  Just EMAIL ME!

HNT will go up tonight be sure to check back for that!

~ xo

Vixen

I want to write…but I can’t.  I’d love to free my brain from…’the shit’…but I can’t.  So much has happened in the last few months and it’s laying very…very heavily on my mind.  My little girl Emma breaking her leg, the decisions required surrounding that, her surgery and the weeks of recovering following…then the heartbreak of her disappearance, drama with ex’s and life…repeatedly…  Friday afternoon coming home to find our pet goat, Chloe…of 6 years…that I bottled raised from 4weeks on… had been attacked by a stray neighbor dog.  Despite being rushed to one of the best teaching hospital in the US, and her seeming to have been stabilized… she still passed away the next morning…  I wish I could take away LP having to endure the trauma of finding Chloe.  (why on earth did I let her go in search of Chloe when my first immediate gut feeling when I saw the dog was that Chloe wasn’t ok… *guilt* …)

My laptop decided to up and die mid day Thursday.  It had been very well used and not super happy as of recent.  PC had been stoked to get a new 17″ Macbook Pro for himself and handing down his (which is how I was given my other recently deceased one)… much to his dismay my Mac’s untimely death caused a change of plans.  (and despite his joking…NO, I did not pour Coors Light over my laptop in an attempt to fry the motherboard…LOL!).  But…BUT…being the computer fucking genius he is, he amazingly restored everything from my laptop to my new one.  SWEET!!!!  *YAY!!!*

Yeah… I have a lot going on.  And fuck..no…I just can not seem to catch a break.  Do I get points for breathing in and out?  *sigh*

So because of the laptop issues Friday Favorites weren’t published but there were some really, really good ones so I definitely wanted to put them out and give them a shout out.  If you missed them last week, hit them up!

Gigi…..

Cheeky Minx…..

Emmy…..

His Pleasures & Pearls…..


Pocket Rocketz…..

******

~ xo

Vixen

Friday Favorites:

One this week.  I was in awe of her creativity, the raw beautiful-ness of the photo and of her.  If you haven’t been by to show her some love (what were you under a rock?!) scoot on over there!

Emmy…Right Turn Without Signaling…..

*****
Brain dump…

* I haven’t shared much of myself lately.  I guess for numerous reasons.  Complications in my life, shit going on, not wanting to really talk about it, paired with just also felt as if I had nothing to say about any of it.  Sometimes I feel the need to vent and get it all off my chest…and other times I internalize.  The noise is so fucking loud in my head but when I open my mouth…nothing comes out.  Ever have that feeling?

* LP got vibrant pink highlights in her hair this last week.  It probably doesn’t come as too much of a shock to learn that her favorite color is pink too… ~smirk~   It’s the second time she’s gotten this done.  Her hairlady and I were discussing that if this was the worst she wants to do to herself (ie piercings, etc) then hell yeah I’m going to support it.  (course….she does have a severe allergy to metal…so the idea of her ever running out to have her navel pierced are pretty much none…bwahaha….)

* Baby girl Emma….the pup that broke her leg, requiring immediate and serious decisions to be made regarding her future, then orthopedic surgery, followed by 8 weeks of recovery….  She disappeared Tuesday afternoon.  All efforts to find her have been futile.  Hours spent driving and calling, signs, ads placed, reports with humane societies made……  Everyone is absolutely, completely heartbroken.  Her big sister, Kiya, especially…she’s refusing to eat and remains incredibly depressed.  *sigh*

* Kiddos have 4 weeks left of school before summer break.  Eeek!  Guess it’s about time to purchase our pool passes and pull out the sunscreen.  They were absolute fish last summer…especially LM who discovered the diving boards!  Entire days spent in the sun…them swimming…me reading…can. not. wait.

* PC has sorted some things out and is working from home again….  Rewind 9 months ago and he’s back to feeling a lot less stressed….grins….
(yay!!!)

* My allergies have so far been kept at bay this year (…knock on wood).  Bit of an issue with my lungs (residual effects from the god awful respiratory infection I had for two months last fall) and some other allergy related symptoms…but NOTHING like last year.  Ohthankfuckinggod!!!

* My Studmuffin friend is (hopefully) coming for another visit in a few weeks.  Um…yeah…super excited about that. (!!!)

*****

Alrighty then….  Enjoy your weekend!

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~ xo

Vixen

Friday Favorites-

Sinandseduction…..

Ms. Tigerx…..

Suburbanslut…..

Don’t forget to CLICK  on the links and visit these lovely ladies, show them some love, if you haven’t already!

*****
The name of the game this week was *BREATHE* and try not to be consumed by my anxieties surrounding life changes that might be amidst. 

*sigh*

I woke up Thursday feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed.  There were some things on my plate that fell in categories such as- kept forgetting to take care of, needing to take care of, learned suddenly needed to be handled asap. 

…:::breathe:::…

But.  By Thursday afternoon I had marked everything off my list.

A house/kiddo sitter is lined up for our trip to visit Roxy for her bday/St Paddy’s Bash. -CHECK

Important phone calls had been made.  -CHECK

One set of documents were found, copied and faxed -CHECK

Another set completed and notarized -CHECK

A trip to the post office -CHECK

….:::breathe:::…

There was another category gnawing at me.  The one that was causing those familiar, uncomfortable knots in my stomach, making it difficult to breath and concentrate…  The…  What’s the point?  If -A- were to happen, then what is the point in fucking with -B- and -C- or even -D-  ?!?!?!?!

PC, hearing the anxiety in my voice, the tell-tale rise in my tone…concentrate on the things I can control, he says.  To not allow myself to be overwhelmed by those I can not….   Tells me to look down.  Pull up my sleeve and read the words written on my arm.

BFD, as well, tells me to work on controlling what I can.  And to have faith about the rest.  To run.  (which I will have every day this week…despite my knees and hips screaming at me….there is some sanity to be found with a clear head)

Yes.  True.  They are right.  While I am neurotic and excessively obsessive…I don’t consider myself a control freak.  But the ‘unknowing’…  The flying by the seat of my pants.  *shaking head to clear it* 

I’m not very good at it. 

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….:::breathe:::…

*****

So it’s the weekend….enjoy!

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~ xo

Vixen

Friday Favorites-

So…the girls this week….damn.  Here are this weeks favorites, if you haven’t done so already, click the links and hit them up. 

Janie… Hundred Ways To Be Perverse…..

Emmy…Right Turn With Out Signaling…..

My Hot Raven…..

*****

This week…man.  *shaking head*

I spent the first part of it a teensy (major understatement) bit overwhelmed. 

Our 5month old Texas Heeler puppy, Emma, had a fluke accident that resulted in a very serious injury (a sharp spiral fracture in her Tibia, the Fibula was broken as well). 

Requiring very difficult decisions to be made on very short notice.  Decisions and I.  Admittedly I’m not very good at them.  Decisions under pressure?  Even worse.  PC was incredibly sweet at remaining calm and standing behind me, offering support.  Several of my friends were there for me exactly when I needed them to be.  (thank you….)

I hadn’t been getting enough sleep.  I mean I never get much night time sleep but am usually able to compensate with a cat nap and/or one night a week where I just crash and can truly recharge.  I was lacking on the ‘recharging’.  Which meant I was running on empty more so than I’m able to function on (very well at least). 

I was mentally and physically exhausted.  And spent.

Unfortunately= me—> extremely emotional.  Which given the first few previous things…yeah.  Makes sense.

There have been several other stressers that have added to the ‘fun’ this week.

But. 

Emma came out of orthopedic surgery like a champ Wednesday afternoon, so much so they released her to me that night.  She/we have a long road of recovery ahead of us but she’s going to be ok.  ((((Babygirl)))

Our weather has been fabulous.  I’ve been able to run along my favorite trail system all week, getting in 25miles.  I saw a magnificent buck Elk less than 10′ from me on it’s way to get a drink from the river (one of the few times I wished I had my cell on me when running).  And on another day, a calf being born (spring is coming!!!).  When you get out there and stretch your legs, breathing in the fresh air, with the perfect playlist on your iPod….I feel as if I can run forever.  (Unfortunately my knees and hips haven’t been as pleased about this…  *oaff*)

I’ve since gotten a bit of much needed ‘catch up’ rest.  Have found a bit better head space.  Things are never perfect but they can at least be peachier.  And that they are.

*****

Oh. And um….  I’m thinking you might be (reeeaaally) interested in reading something SHE posted. 
*ahem*
Did you click?
(yeah)

Enjoy your uh, weekend.

~ xo

Vixen

(vi.sualize.us)

We are in control of every day of our lives…..even if it is just
our attitude towards things. There is not a circumstance that denies
that. Control comes not only from the things we can do, but from the
attitude we have to what is going on around us.

So the other day….  I woke up happy.  Like.  HAPPY. 

I’m a fairly upbeat person.  With a ‘cup half full’ attitude.  I try to find the bright side in things.  I hate to dwell on the negative.  When PC asks if I’m happy- which he does often (with us, life, overall), I’m being truthful when I tell him- yes.  But I fall into funks… more easily than I would like.  I become overwhelmed by stresses, ‘things’, LIFE… more often than I care to admit.

The other morning I was driving in my car and I felt myself smiling.  My heart was light.  No worries were heavily weighing me down.  Not a single anxiety trying to creep it’s way in.  My cup felt…full.

I was happy.

I would have loved to have bottled that up, that feeling, in that moment.  Maybe take the lid off and breathe it in once in awhile when I’m faltering.

(vi.sualize.us)

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

~ xo

Vixen

(vi.sualize.us)

I had a deep dark secret from my childhood slam me in the face on Sunday.  Hard.

At first I was taken off guard.  Shocked.  Surprised.  But then as the day wore on, into the night and then the next day….and the memories and emotions and feelings starting bubbling up and over.  Things I haven’t thought about or talked about in over twenty years.  And I felt myself suffocating from anxiety, of being overwhelmed…

(vi.sualize.us)

And I shared some of this information with someone close to me.  But then walked away feeling overly exposed and very, very raw.  Worrying.  Regretting.  Obsessing.

My sister pointed something out to me.  That was rather eye opening.  I am a very open person.  But I am very open about things that I am comfortable with.  Which is many/most things but that I have several boxes that I keep tightly closed, off limits, that I don’t share very openly about.  She said I was being unfair to myself.  And that maybe that is where ‘these feelings’ were coming from…

Have I mentioned how much I *heart* my sister? 

(vi.sualize.us)

PC came home mid day, to be with me.  He brought lunch from a new sandwich shop I’d been wanting to try…knowing if he didn’t, I probably wouldn’t have eaten.  He didn’t have to come home.  But he did because he was worried and wanted to be with me.  I was able to shut the buzz of my thoughts down long enough to rest.  Something I struggle with…

Have I mentioned how much I *heart* my husband?

(vi.sualize.us)

*****

TFT is up.

Would love to have you contribute  ANYONE can…just snap and send. Send.

******

~ xo

Vixen

Friday Favorites-

Topaz…..as I told her earlier, this causes my mind to reel.  The bit of long hair, the necklaces, the wisp of material covering, that ‘sweet’ spot her cleavage creates, ok yes, and the FRISKY ink….sensory overload.  And in a good way.

The Reluctant Princess…..wine.  bath.  bubbles.  She had me at hello, er um, her in the tub.  ~wink~

Barefoot Dreamer….. and NO it’s not just bc seeing her texts/IMs/FBmsgs, etc give me butterflies and draw up thoughts of pushing her back up against a wall in a dark corner and doing very bad things to her….her photography and pictures are amazing

If you haven’t done so already- hit the girls up!
*****

Who would have thought my kiddos going back to school would actually cause me to be busier than I was when they were out.  Good lord, the blur of craziness the last couple week have been for me!  I think I might catch a break the middle of next week and actually be able to breathe again.  Part of the issue is that the HUGE children consignment sale that comes twice a year happened to fall the week after school resumed.  I always consign/participate and it’s a ridiculous amount of work.  But thankfully, always pays off, making it worthwhile.  Add in the mix, two separate parent nights (one for each kiddo), a very pregnant Daisy dog, household upkeep, a self created To-Do list….  Honestly.  The last two weeks have been such a blur I don’t even know what day it is barely.

Anyway.  Speaking of parent night. I have mentioned my kids school PTA in previous posts.  We live in a tiny town.  They dynamics of our PTA is….um….well, reminds me of high school.  A group of cliquey, catty, snarky women.  There are those that are PTA moms and then those of us that ‘are not’.  And it’s a very clear line.  At first I tried to pretend it was in my head.  But uh, no.  I could give you scenario after scenario.  Whatever.  It’s a whatever.   *rolling eyes*  I just do my thing and pretend to play nicey nice to get by.  I enjoy volunteering at the school, in the classrooms and I’m not going to let wanna be high school girls trying to re-enact the movie Heathers fuck that up. 

So the first night went down drama free, with out incident (other than the usual BS).

The second night however…  Whoa. I have officially met the. biggest. asshat. EVER.  From the beginning of the evening the man (father of some poor child) was a complete ass- being belligerent, rude, highly inappropriate and quite obviously had a massive chip on his shoulder regarding….  teachers?  parents?  schools?  school systems in general?  the human race????  I couldn’t even begin to recount what took place but a mini-riot ensued.  Seriously.  It was insane.  I do not handle confrontation well at all and my anxiety was through the roof.  I pity not only the child of that person but also the poor, poor teacher that will have to deal with that parent for the entire school year.  Gah….

*****

So there you go.  It’s Friday!  Time to decompress and let loose.

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~ xo

Vixen

~Winston Churchill

Last week I was made aware of incredibly tragic, heartbreaking news. It has sat with me heavily.  Please click the button, it will take you to the original post providing more details about what has happened and how you can help out if you are so inclined.

*****

Friday Favorites-

Some new ones this week!  It’s always fun to see some awesome bloggers I haven’t featured before.  As always, if you haven’t already, hit them up.  Show them some love!

The Secretive Writer.….

Cande…Secret Diary of an Online Stripper…..

Scintillectual…..


Chris…Three Curious Monkeys….

*****

The kiddos go back to school next week.  I had fabulous plans of spending a few more days soaking up some sun before the pool closed (sun goddess—>ME), had promised them a day at the water park in Six Flags, the splash pad at the park….  All of which were thrown out the window when LP continued to spike a fever between 100-103 (plus…), wavering between the appearance of death smeared on toast and being backed over (several times) by a Mack truck.  The poor thing had been sick since the previous week.  Just when I thought she was perking up, her fever would spike and she’d visibly go down hill again.  A trip to the Dr…..she has pneumonia.  Hell of a way to spend your last hoorah before going back to school.  The ladies in the Dr’s office were perplexed to see things like the stomach flu and pneumonia during the summer months (both of which my children have been plagued with this summer).  So while one child was incredibly sick.  The other grew incredibly bored bouncing off the walls with more and more ants in his pants (which I can’t blame him, I don’t do well day in and day out sitting at home, I am my ‘best’ on the go with little down time).

Fun times my friends…..not.

We also had a fun filled weekend with friends that we’ve had to cancel. 

*POUT*

(Side note- I did just find out our pool is ‘extending their weekend hours through Sept 30′…that’s exciting news!  *giddy* Hey!  It’s the little things!)

Also. Is it too late to start counting down to my birthday weekend?  Or um…Vegas?  Don’t be surprised if you see a counter go up in my side bar.  Soon. I am that excited!

*remember…..free spirit….hate to be cooped up*

*****

Well.  Happy Friday!!!

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~ xo

Vixen